The Stages of Drunkeness

And so sober April begins.

Various circumstances have led to this month becoming dry. I'm not a massive drinker but I enjoy the occasional beverage...

 ...okay a few beverages, but it's not like every night. The last week however there's been a few quite big nights in a row and I think I need a break from them. I've found I go through various levels of drunk and each night I've aimed for the elusive 'stage 5' of drunkenness. What are these 5 stages I hear you wonder? Find out here!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmpArv4odno

Just kidding- Here are the 5 stages of Chris Martin drunkenness

1.The Awkwardly Sober

We're 1 or 2 drinks in and I'm still very aware of my surroundings. I'm aware of the massive drunken guy at the end of the bar being a bit rowdy and also aware of the fact my shirt sleeves keep unravelling so they are uneven. When I meet new people there's the usual awkward small talk of every day life, "been up to much today? hows uni? etc etc". If the night out isn't livening up I start to regret the few drinks I've had. What if someone needs a lift somewhere later? I won't be able to give them one. The thought of a club just now repulses me. This has all been entirely unnecessary...

2.The Everything Is Starting To Feel Kinda Awesome

Ah well they'll just have to walk, I'm on the way to drunkenness now, might as well keep going. Plus conversations are starting liven up a bit, everyone in the room has become a little more interesting. I wouldn't usually tell the story about how I secretly despise someone at work in as much detail [theoretically speaking here] but hey, YOLO and all that. I think we should definitely buy more drinks and toast to that and make sure people around us see us having a good time. I'm feeling very comfortable with my bezzer mates here and who knows; might go to a club later. Nothing big though, just a night out between good friends...

3.The Whole World Now Needs To Liven Up And Get Smashed

...And this guy! How awesome is this guy! He's being as drunk and lively as us, lets involve him in everything we do until the end of the night! Who'd have thought it was the same guy at the end of the bar I was avoiding at the beginning of the night? Did someone say headstand? Fuck yeah I can do a headstand! EVERYONE WATCH AS I DO A HEADSTAND. Oh I've fallen over! Loool! Tequila everyone! I'm buying! Let's dance and have the best night of our lives...

4.The Crushing Come-Down [bypassed sometimes by more alcohol]

What is life? I don't even like this music, I was just dragged here by people. And look at them over there all having a good times, stop it and be miserable. I might go home now, what's the time? Could maybe get a taxi, just a few more drinks...

5.The 'Stage 5'

I could try to write this from first person but sadly I can't as I'm not sure what's going through my head at this point. I just know it involves moving violently around to music, spouting complete shit and being a complete nightmare to anyone who isn't quite as drunk as me. Drinks prices become non-existent, that vodka coke could have cost £12 and I'd have happily walked away with whatever change I got from the fresh £20 I received from the extortionate 'Pay to Withdraw' club ATM.  Every song is amazing and I will dance to it as if it's the best song I've heard in my life.
The best thing about Stage 5 is that whatever arse-ery I get up to I only remember it in little bits. Plus it feels awesome at the time and you get a lovely deep sleep after it.
You just have to deal with the world-ending hangover the next day.

The famous bus hangover of January 2013

Not every night follows this pattern of course. Ideally I want to stop near the end of Stage 3 when everything is really great. Stage 5 should be kept for really big events. There is of course Hogmany as well where you could argue the golden stage six is introduced but that's best not to think about.

Sadly all of this drains the funds and ruins my body for at least a day so it's best to keep my drinking to short-bursts. March was a one off. April will be a time to build funds and recuperate before I can enjoy a small tipple again in May.

This will probably be bullshit however so expect me to cave to a Campus pub-quiz by the 8th.

5 Jobs I Actually Wouldn't Mind Doing part 1

I'll get back to the film list eventually, I pramiss.

After the news days I did as part of my journalism course I'm thinking more about what life will be like after uni. The prospect of news days every day isn't a bad one but I can't help but think about other jobs, some totally unrelated to journalism, I quite like the look of. Jobs that for a lot of people don't look all that special.

I'm not classing money as an important factor here- if I did I'd currently still be doing Chemical Engineering, rolling around in a bed of £20 notes on an oil rig somewhere.


1. Paparazzo

How Society Sees it - Intrusive horrible men with cameras who invade innocent people's privacy constantly

How I see it- Ahmagad! Celebrities! Lets take photos of them :D

This is the only job in which a journalism degree may help. However I was surprised when we read a feature in Uni about a writer who wrote a horrible article about a paparazzo who was made out to be a terrible pervy man just because he loved taking photos of celebrities. Ron Gallela if you're wondering.

Celebrities need photos taken of them- it comes with the celebrity status. If you're a big figure in the public eye I feel you should expect to live your life in view for people to look at. People are interested in who you are and what you do in all aspects of your life- its a paparazzo's job to document it.

I don't see why celebrity gossip is any less important than other articles in the news. Writing that feels wrong but I'm definitely more interested in what film stars have been up to at after-award parties than what George Osbourne has been doing with the budget. Call it less newsworthy but that's just what I'd rather read about and see pictures of.

I also feel it'd be a bit like Pokemon Snap- and I love Pokemon Snap. You're spot on the red carpet is more or less the same as the game apart from instead of photographing Pikachus and Bulbasaurs you're photographing Paris Hiltons and Johnny Depps. And instead of scoring meaningless points for your perfect picture of Snorlax at a great angle you score actual cash from magazines for your picture of Lisa Riley from a great angle. I must point out the choice of pokemon and celebrity there are purely coincidental.

I also get star struck when I see famous people so it'd be a bit of a constant buzz. Like the feeling at a gig right before the band come on and that weird surreal feeling when they appear in front of you in person.

My first instance of this was Cameron from Big Brother 4 at the new year party at the Castle Gate at the top of Union Street. A memory that will stay in my heart forever.

There is the argument of how far is too far with celebrity photography. The image of 100 men trying to get a photo of a celebrities pants [or in Britney Spears case- vagina] as they leave a car for example is pretty grim. Is that right? It is someones daughter after all, and you're squatting down with your camera zoomed in praying for a crotch shot.

To add to my earlier point though- these people are celebrities. They should expect photos to be taken of them. So when leaving a car they should prepare for it and for gods sake wear some underwear. I think if saaaaaaaay Taylor Swift gets trashed and flashes her pants while leaving a car that's a newsworthy story. People love seeing celebrities at their worst, it makes the public feel a little bit better about not being as rich and famous as them.

So Heat if you're browsing random blogs that get a hefty 70 views per post I'd love to come in for an interview. All you have to do is provide me with a camera and nice central London location to stay in. Tickets to film premiers and celebrity parties will be part of the job I'd imagine.

Paparazzi. Not respected by society but one hell of a career [probably].