Various circumstances have led to this month becoming dry. I'm not a massive drinker but I enjoy the occasional beverage...
...okay a few beverages, but it's not like every night. The last week however there's been a few quite big nights in a row and I think I need a break from them. I've found I go through various levels of drunk and each night I've aimed for the elusive 'stage 5' of drunkenness. What are these 5 stages I hear you wonder? Find out here!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmpArv4odno
Just kidding- Here are the 5 stages of Chris Martin drunkenness
1.The Awkwardly Sober
We're 1 or 2 drinks in and I'm still very aware of my surroundings. I'm aware of the massive drunken guy at the end of the bar being a bit rowdy and also aware of the fact my shirt sleeves keep unravelling so they are uneven. When I meet new people there's the usual awkward small talk of every day life, "been up to much today? hows uni? etc etc". If the night out isn't livening up I start to regret the few drinks I've had. What if someone needs a lift somewhere later? I won't be able to give them one. The thought of a club just now repulses me. This has all been entirely unnecessary...
2.The Everything Is Starting To Feel Kinda Awesome
Ah well they'll just have to walk, I'm on the way to drunkenness now, might as well keep going. Plus conversations are starting liven up a bit, everyone in the room has become a little more interesting. I wouldn't usually tell the story about how I secretly despise someone at work in as much detail [theoretically speaking here] but hey, YOLO and all that. I think we should definitely buy more drinks and toast to that and make sure people around us see us having a good time. I'm feeling very comfortable with my bezzer mates here and who knows; might go to a club later. Nothing big though, just a night out between good friends...
3.The Whole World Now Needs To Liven Up And Get Smashed
...And this guy! How awesome is this guy! He's being as drunk and lively as us, lets involve him in everything we do until the end of the night! Who'd have thought it was the same guy at the end of the bar I was avoiding at the beginning of the night? Did someone say headstand? Fuck yeah I can do a headstand! EVERYONE WATCH AS I DO A HEADSTAND. Oh I've fallen over! Loool! Tequila everyone! I'm buying! Let's dance and have the best night of our lives...
4.The Crushing Come-Down [bypassed sometimes by more alcohol]
What is life? I don't even like this music, I was just dragged here by people. And look at them over there all having a good times, stop it and be miserable. I might go home now, what's the time? Could maybe get a taxi, just a few more drinks...
5.The 'Stage 5'
I could try to write this from first person but sadly I can't as I'm not sure what's going through my head at this point. I just know it involves moving violently around to music, spouting complete shit and being a complete nightmare to anyone who isn't quite as drunk as me. Drinks prices become non-existent, that vodka coke could have cost £12 and I'd have happily walked away with whatever change I got from the fresh £20 I received from the extortionate 'Pay to Withdraw' club ATM. Every song is amazing and I will dance to it as if it's the best song I've heard in my life.
The best thing about Stage 5 is that whatever arse-ery I get up to I only remember it in little bits. Plus it feels awesome at the time and you get a lovely deep sleep after it.
You just have to deal with the world-ending hangover the next day.
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| The famous bus hangover of January 2013 |
Not every night follows this pattern of course. Ideally I want to stop near the end of Stage 3 when everything is really great. Stage 5 should be kept for really big events. There is of course Hogmany as well where you could argue the golden stage six is introduced but that's best not to think about.
Sadly all of this drains the funds and ruins my body for at least a day so it's best to keep my drinking to short-bursts. March was a one off. April will be a time to build funds and recuperate before I can enjoy a small tipple again in May.
This will probably be bullshit however so expect me to cave to a Campus pub-quiz by the 8th.
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