Chris Martin's Guide To Clapping

Things annoy me. Things that no one else really finds annoying. Once I explain this thrilling topic to you maybe you might understand my frustration

Chris Martin's Guide To When It Is Acceptable To Clap

Acceptable- In a small burst to show appreciate for a performance

This type of clapping is the standard, post-song applause at a musical or gig. Not much else to say

Acceptable - Clapping when prompted by a musician to clap along

If a lead singer starts clapping in front of a an audience he or she is telling you to clap along in time- its all part of the performance- they want you to clap. This seems almost retarded but then you get the following type of clappers

Unacceptable - Constantly clapping in time to a music performance, even if it’s out of rhythm

While in Disney these types of people appeared twice. Once in time to a parade- even though every other guest in Disneyland and all the Disney characters were not clapping. He must've thought the Disney parade theme lacked percussion so added his own. He was as popular in that crowd as a BNP member in a Mosque. A streaker at a kid’s birthday party. A lion at a gazelle picnic. I could continue.

Everyone was kind of willing one of the seven dwarfs to storm up to his face and shout 'NO!..NO!'

A dishonourable mention to the giant woman on It's a Small World who clapped along for the 15 minute duration of the ride. If you thought the Its a Small World Song was unbearable enough as it is, try listening with an unstoppable clapping whale weighing down the boat behind you. If I'd been on her boat she'd have been pushed off by Germany.

Acceptable- Clapping through the credits of a really good film

I understand this really annoys people but I don't see why. Sure the people who made the film aren't there to hear it but you're showing appreciation. That’s what clapping is, a sign of  appreciation. In the same way people should hold back on smiling at all as the filmmakers and actors aren't there to see it.

Yes. It's exactly the same.

What confuses me is that every re-release I've seen has got a clap at the end but almost every other great film I've seen at the cinema hasn't. Titanic, a clap, Rocky Horror Picture Show, a clap, Rise of Planet of the Apes? Silence and everyone shifting out the cinema moodily.

If a film is awesome you show you thought it was awesome by clapping.

Unacceptable- Clapping faster and faster before a band comes on stage

I suppose it builds suspense but it is totally pointless. The band will not come out any faster. Also at every gig I've ever been to the clapping starts, gets far to fast too quickly and everyone feels a bit confused at the end when everyone is out of clapping.

Acceptable- Clapping when prompted in the cha cha slide

Everybody clap your hands *clap clap clap clap clap* If you don't clap you will ruin the song FOR EVERYONE.

I think that's more or less it. Clap at reasonable times people. Otherwise you'll get a stern look from me. And nobody wants that.