Derren Brown: The Ride?

Ah the unpredictability of the theme park industry. A survey was created by Thorpe Park a while ago asking what TV shows guests would like see made into rides and attractions at the park. There was some obvious choices like Doctor Who or Top Gear, you can clearly imagine what those rides would be like. Then there were the more obscure ones. Xfactor for example. And I'm a Celebrity which, bizarrely, actually happened in what looks like some kind of horror maze/gameshow oddity.

This is a thing apparently

I certainly don't remember a Derren Brown option- if it was there I wouldn't even know what they'd do with the 'Derren Brown Ride' concept. I'd imagine it would be a magic show or creepy walkthrough like what they've done with I'm a Celebrity and I'm a man who would obviously prefer a rollercoaster or good dark ride.

But that's exactly what this new ride will be- a dark ride with what I can assume will feature rollercoaster elements. A rollercoaster based on physiological manipulation eh. Sounds different at first before you realise this was more or less the exact theming of another of Merlin's recent coasters- one I'm sure they wouldn't want this new  ride to be associated with.

Coming 2016 - The Smiler 2

It's a brave move but one I'm happy with. As much as The Smiler has such a bad name now and it's future is looking pretty bleak it's theming was original and well done. It would be easy enough for Merlin to stick to the basic Rollercoaster Tycoon menu themes (Jungle! Space Age! Pirates!) but they took a gamble here and it paid off, at least until Summer 2015.

So it's a theme that works but what will they do with it and how will it be different? Being a dark ride opens up a plethora of opportunities- I don't think it'll be a full on coaster with 10 loops and big drops but I think there will definitely be ride cars and a track, especially with such a big budget. Some information I've found on Thorpe Mania reveals that the 'experience' will be around 13 minutes long which suggests that a rollercoaster segment would only be one part of the ride. A 13 minute rollerocaster is unheard of and impossible in the room available...unless they're include a preshow in that time.

What elements could a Derren Brown ride feature? Thinking of other mind mending attractions at Alton Towers- Hex is still a mindf*ck even though I know exactly how it's done. And then there's Thirteen with it's moving track that catches first timers off guard as they're confused what direction they'll shoot off next.

Good old Hex, still confusing

An element of not knowing which way is up sounds like a good idea for a ride that manipulates the mind- it's the feeling the Smiler went for as well in a probably more physical way of continually throwing riders upside down. As the future of big budget theme park rides veers more towards 'robo-coaster' territory it'll be incredibly interesting to see what could be done with the technology to provide some legitimately world-first experiences.

The tone of the teaser trailer is looking promising as well. It feels very unnerving and seems aimed very much at the teen-adult market which is exactly what I think Thorpe should continue to do.

Creepy

As someone who has seen Derren Brown a few times I can tell you he puts on a hell of a show and I've not once left a live show not feeling totally perplexed by what I've just seen. It would be wonderful to recreate that feeling in a theme park attraction with an added coaster-thrill as part of the experience. I can tell this won't be a half assed effort.

Fingers crossed we get more information in the coming months and I might have to find time early next year for a trip down to London. I've not even ridden the bloody Swarm yet...

Fall Out Boy's Albums Ranked

In just under a month my favourite band of my early teens that continues to be one of my favourite bands now will be playing just 2 miles up the road from my house.

The news that I'll be seeing them live (for the 4th time no less) has had me listening to FOB's entire discography again and had me thinking about what my favourite album was. It's often said that their old stuff is better than their new stuff but I don't think that's entirely the case- some of Fall Out Boy's best material is on their post-hiatus albums.

Getting a definitive ranking of all albums proved quite difficult so I took the scientific method and listed every song on all 6 FOB studio albums and listened to each one front to back. There are worse ways to spend a Tuesday night I'm sure. I then gave each song a mark out of 10 and took an average for each album.

This gave me a rundown of the top 6 Fall Out Boy albums and I have to say it's pretty close and not exactly as predicted.

And here's that rundown...here.

6. Folie A Deux 

Score- 7.5/10

Sadly Folie A Deux appears at the bottom of this list due to a lackluster second half that slows the tempo and get's a bit dreary. It's an album they often avoid playing live other than 'I Don't Care' and is often regarded as their weakest album by fans making the hiatus seem like a logical next step.

That's not to say it's a bad album though- not at all. A pattern I noticed with FOB albums were their incredibly strong starting tracks- Disloyal Order is as strong as any album opener on this list and that's followed by the brilliant party anthem of the aforementioned I Don't Care.

What A Catch Donnie is one of the best of the band's slower efforts and acts as a small celebration of what the band had achieved up to that point.

Also the best album artwork of any album on this list. Don't beat yourself up Folie A Deux.

Best Song: Coffee's for Closers
An underrated gem and one of the best 'pick me up' songs of their back catalogue - the violin outro leaving the whole song feeling very grand.

Honorable Mention: I Don't Care
A party classic for me at secondary school house parties. Rebellious and fun.

Worst Song: West Coast Smoker
Ends the album on a low after several other forgettable songs.


5. American Beauty/American Psycho

Score- 7.8/10

The band's newest album while never suffering a big slide in really great songs doesn't really have a massive memorable track that truly defines it like some of the other albums.

That's not to say the title track American Beauty/American Psycho isn't a hugely catchy unique track on the album. And Immortals is part of what made Big Hero 6 as great as it was.

I look forward to hearing a lot of these tracks live on their tour- seeing certain songs live can change their meaning and lasting affect on me quite a bit.

Best song: Favourite Record
One of Fall Out Boy's best love songs in my opinion that just has a huge nostalgic feeling to being in the late years of secondary school.

Honorable Mention: Immortals
Uplifting with a bit of swagger if I'm using that term right. A great training montage song as shown in Big Hero 6.

Worst Song: Twin Skeletons
A weak note to end the album on- like the lyrics it tends to go 'on and on and on'.


4. Save Rock and Roll

Score- 7.9/10

Almost totally proving the opinion of 'the old stuff is better than the new stuff'' by front loading this list with the new albums it's not to say that when Fall Out Boy came back they came back with a bang.

An album that features artists like Foxes, Courtney Love and incredibly Elton John; it shows just how big Fall Out Boy still were in the music world even after a 4 year gap between albums which is considerable for Fall Out Boy and especially after the slight disappointment of Folie A Deux.

It's a definite change in tone for the band- the start of new Fall Out Boy which brings with it a decelerated pace but retains the power and catchy choruses present in every FOB album old or new.

Best Song: Alone Together
As mentioned in American Beauty/American Psycho- seeing a band live can often totally change a song for me. This was their most moving powerful songs of their 2014 set in Glasgow. Touching lyrics that Stump sings perfectly.

Honorable Mention: The Phoenix
Forget I Know What Your Songs Did - this is what cemented Fall Out Boy's triumphant return to music for me. It's one of the best fight songs ever written and again an awesome album opener for the band.

Worst Song: The Mighty Fall
I don't quite get this song and is probably my least favourite song on any album. It's a direction I'm glad the band don't appear to be pursuing. Not a Big Sean fan either.


3. Infinity On High

Score- 8.1/10

The album that made Fall out Boy truly mainstream with anthems like This Ain't A Scene and Thnks Fr Th Mmrs. From Under the Cork Tree was a success but Infinity gave Fall Out Boy legitimate chart success and they partially shed their image of  'an emo band for teens' to a 'band for everyone'.

Fitting with the Fall Out Boy tradition it has a powerful start and flows magnificently well to the incredible finish of GINASFS.

The album for the most part is very upbeat with the emotional interlude of Golden creating a nice break from the thrashing guitars.

Best Song: GINASFS
With an album with such massive hits on it I will always remember Infinity On High for how it ends- with this bouncy little track. It reminds me of growing up and how life can be tough sometimes. I'm not sure why the title stands for 'gay is not a synonym for shitty' but I agree with the message anyway.

Honourable Mention: Thriller
An opening so good the band often still use to open new shows.

Worst Song: I'm Like A Lawyer
The only song on the album I'm not crazy about. Just a bit of a letdown after the first few greats before it or ones that follow.


2. Take This To Your Grave

Score- 8.2/10

There's not a single 'skip' track on Fall Out Boy's first album- from start to finish it's just hugely enjoyable to listen to.

This is Fall Out Boy's true start- before this there was Evening Out With Your Girlfriend admittedly but that album (technically an EP) was still a bit rough round the edges- TTTYG is where they tightened everything up and started something fantastic.

Rolling Stone famously called this album 'like anything you can see on The Warped Tour' and I think this is anything but true. Fall Out Boy weren't just another emo band- they offered something more. The perfect voice blended with the pop punk rhythms gave it something more and was lacking in the whiney melodrama associated with the genre.

From Tell That Mick to The Patron Saint Of Liars And Fakes it leaves you with a massive smile on your face- it's about dealing with being a teenager and growing up in a way that's less 'life is so hard- let me tell you about it' and more 'life is hard- let's get on with it.'

Best Song: Grand Theft Autumn
So much fun to belt out and have a little mosh to. And takes on a beautiful quality when experienced acoustic. Lovely.

Honorable Mention: Grenade Jumper
I have a soft spot for Grenade Jumper due to it's main  chorus line that features my name. It's a song about showing appreciation for a fan named Chris and there's something about that that just...speaks to me.

Worst Song: Reinventing The Wheel To Run Myself Over
At a push this is probably the least memorable song of the album but still loses none of the momentum that makes this album flow.

1. From Under The Cork Tree

Score- 8.4/10

My introduction to Fall Out Boy and the first time I felt really connected to music. In the days where a lot of my friends at school were very much into either rap and hip hop or at the other end the heaviest of metal, Fall out Boy just spoke to me and I knew I'd found the genre of music that fitted my way of life.

I'm getting a bit deep but it's essentially an album with some of my all time favourite songs on it. Dance Dance and Sugar We're Going down still get whoops and chairs when played in bars and clubs and they just have lasting appeal.

You could say this is Fall Out Boy at their peak- every song is catchy and bouncy, it's a showcase of Stump's fantastic voice and to me the soundtrack of my life in the mid to late 2000s.

Best Song: I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me
A hell of a title and a hell of a song. Among the classics on this album there appears this one which is to my delight usually performed live and has that almost aggressive edge as it teeters into slight screamo territory with Wentz's vocal. Needless to say it pays off.

Honorable Mention: Sugar We're Going Down
The first FOB song I ever heard and still one of my favourites. Sing it loud and let your problems disappear.

Worst song: Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying
The album's only dud- it loses tempo and lacks and the monologue at the end isn't entirely necessary.


See you next month Fall Out Boy and thanks for the memories (sorry).

Nintendo's E3 2015

5/10. That's how I'd describe this year. Not atrocious but definitely not exciting.

Let's go through it game by game.

It started amazingly as predicted with Star Fox. I liked the whole Muppets thing they had going on at the start too, I'm glad Nintendo have made this 'E3 in the style of ...' a thing.

Anyway- Starfox looked great, back to basics with cool looking transforming vehicles. I'm glad so much attention is being put on it to really make it a class A title. Back in the days of Star Fox Assault it just came out in a sea of other games with no hype whatsoever. This time it'll be different.

And this was just the start of the amazing looking new games! Right?

Sadly not. In terms of the afformentioned 'Class A' titles I'd say Star Fox Zero was their only big reveal- and to be honest it wasn't technically speaking a reveal- we've known about it for a year.

We got the news of a small amiibo-skylanders crossover which is kinda interesting but ultimately dosen't interest me enough to go out and buy Skylanders.

Then OMG NEW ZELDA. 4 swordsy Zelda though. Still pretty cool but definitely dosen't have that sense of 'epic' that should really accompany Zelda. I liked A Link Between Worlds and it does look quite similar. I just hope there's an emphasis on the gameplay and storymode rather than on the multiplayer. They said it was online though so that could solve the 'I have no one to really play with' problem.

Hyrule Warriros 3DS looks nice but I'm not sure Tetra and the King of Red Lions are enough to warrant me buying the same game again.

And then comes Nintendo's biggest misfire in recent history. Metroid Prime...Federation Force? Nintendo- This is not Metroid Prime. The Metroid universe is sacred and respected- the feeling of isolation in those vast deep environments. This game shits on all of that- a party game with Power Rangers looking monsters and a football minigame. The fans wanted Metroid but definitely not like this. This could be really damaging for the series and for Nintendo.

Nope

Quite a few games I'm not too bothered with after that - never played a Fire Emblem game but it looked pretty good. The crossover I'm sure will please people- but not for me. Never played Zenoblade but again looked much like what we've seen before. And then that Animal Crossing room design game which I won't be rushing out to buy. It's just one section of what Animal Crossing is isolated into it's own game.

And then in an unpredicted turn of events Animal Crossing Wii U! And it's a board game? This actually pleases me a little. I'm a little tired of the standard Animal Crossing formula and I do enoy a board game. It doesn't look overly exciting but meh, could be alright.

10 minutes of Yoshi's Wooly World. Pliz. Stahp.

Yo-Kai Watch- what on earth is going on there.

Aaaaand the Mario and Luigi Paper Mario crossover restore my faith in humanity for just a bit. The game looks pretty fun- I just hope it feels more like Paper Mario than Mario and Luigi as appears to be the case. Just personal preference that i prefer that series- the first 2 games anyway.

Win indeed

Mario Tennis looks alright- we need a Mario sports title as there's not been one in ages. Just pretty similar looking to the rest of the series.

And by this point it must be building to the grand finale of Nintendo's E3. What game will they reveal?! How will they steal the whole show? Mario Maker yes yes very nice, we've seen you, but c'mon get to that epic last trailer!

What is this? A Mario montage? No more new games? Just this silliness. Nintendo- you make it hard for me to love you sometimes.

Me after realizing there was no finale-reveal trailer

It almost felt like a filler year this year before the big NX, Zelda and mobile announcments next year. Sure we have Starfox and few other interstingish titles coming but it's sadly looking like another quiet year for Nintendo fans.

Til next year Nintendo. Til next year.

A Quick E3 Prediction

It's Nintendo's E3 tomorrow and, as per, I'm super hyped. I'll unfortunately miss it live but will hopefully go in spoiler-free a few hours later. 

I wasn't too impressed with them last year but my Timehop tells me that 2 years ago I was blown away. So I hope they might be following a good year - bad year pattern which would of course make this year a good one. 

Here's my quick predictions. 

It starts with a Star Fox trailer and it looks great. We'll then get shown how we fly the Arwings using the Gamepad before announcing the range of Starfox Amiibo that will all be available before Christmas. 

Realistic Graphics like above

Then some filler- maybe Yoshi's Wooly World and another Pokemon spinoff before going into more detail about the leaked Hyrule Warriors 3DS game. 

After that will come the new Animal Crossing Wii U announcment complete with Amiibo set. 

We'll get some Splatoon DLC afer that, first showing some new original arenas before announcing a Mario Sunshine inspired level. At a guess Delfino Plaza. 

This will segway nicely into the Super Mario Sunshine HD announcement. 

Then will come the third-party and indie game sizzle reel and maybe a bit more on Xenoblade X and the new Fire Emblem. 

A quick reminder of existing DLC for Smash brothers and Mario kart while announcing Pack 3 for Mario Kart 8 made up of 'expert' tracks. 

A wee bit more on Mario Maker including the new Amiibo for the 30th anniversary. 

And it'll end on an almighty high- the reveal of a 2D Metroid game on 3DS - Metroid Dread- the game that everyone wants. 

These are of course predictions. If I was to add to the wishlist I'd ask for some F-Zero as well. And I wouldn't say no to Mario galaxy 3 or some more Zelda footage- even though Ninty have said themselves these won't be happening. 

Tomorrow can't come soon enough!

The Smiler Incident

As I arrived home from my holiday after a week of fun at the beach and riding rollercoasters at Portaventura I immediately came face to face with news articles that made me feel physically sick. At first 'Alton Towers Rollercoaster Crash' sounded like a clickbait title, Nemesis would be stuck at the top of it's lift hill or something. But it became apparent that something serious had happened and it made me question the absolute faith I have, in terms of health and safety, in Merlin (who own Alton Towers as well as Thorpe Park, London Dungeons etc) and the theme park industry in general.

The Technicalities

For those still a little unclear on what happened on Tuesday, one of the The Smiler's trains slammed full force into the back of another train that had failed to make it all the way round the track. It's the equivalent of a car rear-ending another in a queue of traffic possibly made worse if the car in front actually had some backwards momentum as well.

Obviously rides of this scale and complexity have fail-safe system to prevent this type of thing happening but in the case of The Smiler these fail-safe devices...failed.

Rollercoasters nowadays are built in sections where a train can only enter the next section of track after sensors on the rides give the all-clear to say there is nothing blocking the track ahead. They act like the red and green traffic lights at the top of water slides.

For one of these to fail is the equivalent of a lift door failing to stop closing even though there is a body in the way and crushing that person. It just doesn't happen yet through some bizarre error the sensors have malfunctioned here and let one train through into a section of track even though the track wasn't clear.

The other puzzling question is why didn't the empty train in front make it round to make it roll back and block the track? If i was to speculate I'd imagine something must have been jammed in the wheels or on the track to slow it to such a speed that it couldn't make it all the way round the inversion.

Due to the complexity of the Smiler's track it became very dangerous to remove the passengers from the train as the safety mechanism holding them in was doing the job it was supposed to do. Coupled with the height and angle the trains were in it made an evacuation very difficult- if the incident had happened on a lift hill or somewhere more likely to have a ride error I'd imagine the evacuation would have gone much smoother.

The Industry

A crash of this scale has a knock on effect on not just Alton Towers but the theme park industry in general. People go on rollercoasters to feel fear without actually being in any real danger. Widely reported-on incidents like this make that faux-danger feel more real therefore ruining the experience of the rollercoaster.

As much as it pains me to say it I think this might be the end for The Smiler. It's a great shame for a number of reasons; firstly as it was as rollercoaster-god John Wardley's last project he worked on and was something he was especially proud of. After milestones such as Nemesis, Oblivion and Stampida in Spain his last masterpiece now carries with it a nasty reputation. The Smiler is a rollercoaster achievement- it's a genuine shame that it will probably not re-open, in it's current state anyhow.

Any chance of another coaster project at Alton Towers happening in the near future is wiped clean off the table. How do you advertise a scary looking ride so soon after an incident that brought with it real danger. Less people would ride the Saw ride at Thorpe Park if the blood up the walls was actually real.

This is a real blow for Alton Towers who will have to re-do all their theming and landscaping that went along with The Smiler. It's not a simple case of packing it all up and starting again like a travelling fun fair- The Smiler was supposed to be there for decades.

I don't know much about the stock market but I know what kind of effect this has had on Merlin. To clarify this just isn't Alton Towers's problem- it's also Thorpe park, Lego Land, Chessington as well as many attractions around the world. Their reputation has taken a beating. When you hear about an incident happening at a rickety old fun fair you can half understand why. This is the equivelent of finding half a mouse in your risotto at The Ritz. Merlin are world-class in the theme park world- you don't expect it to happen.

The Stigma

Perhaps worst of all is what this crash does to the public's opinion on theme parks in general. I've already seen a headline 'do you let your children ride rollercoasters?' as well as 'Are rollercoasters safe?'. In regards the second article I have the answer- yes. Rollercoasters are safe but nothing in this world is ever 100%. They could write a headline 'Do you let your children go on aeroplanes?' since in the past there have been plane crashes. It's just unfortunate that this 0.00000000001% incident of rollercoaster malfunction has happened at such a reputable theme park.

I urge people to continue to support Alton Towers and continue to ride rollercoasters. There's no way I can defend what happened on the 2nd of June 2015 but so much health and safety go into these rides that the chances of an incident happening is still ridiculously slim (although as has been shown still technically possible).

A dark time for rollercoasters but a time in which the industry and Merlin in particular can hopefully recover from.

The art and joy that come from incredible theme park rides is too grand to be killed by just one incident, no matter how gut-wrenching it was.

Nintendo Land - It's Finally Happening

Nintendo and theme parks. These are the two things in life I get a little fanatical about. For years I've always wondered how cool a Nintendo Theme Park would be. In 2012 I thought my dreams might be realised as 'Nintendo Land' was announced which actually turned out to be a mini-game collection on Wii U. But then today it happened- announced by no other company than Universal freakin studios. It's a match made in heaven and it's got my head running at 100mph with ideas and speculation of what the real Nintendo Land will look like.

I've got a good idea how Universal will do this but I may of course be completely wrong. As this news has come out the immediate thing people think of is a mario rollercoaster but this doesn't make much sense. Mario is a huge hit with kids so building a 100mph launch coaster with a 1.4m height limit with Mario's face on the side is pretty unlikely. They're also working on a Kong thrill ride over at Jurassic Park so it's likely Nintendo land will be family-aimed.

What I think might happen is that Nintendo Land will take over the bottom right side of the Islands of Adventure map.

This area here

But wait! What about Seuss Landing?! Universal need their colourful kid friendly mascots and merchandise. Who could possibly relate to the kid market like The Cat In the Hat and Thing 1 and Thing 2 do?

I dunno? These 2 maybe?

For the most part the bright colours of Seuss Landings are not dissimilar to those found in the Mario games as well as similar kid-friendly franchises like Kirby. Therefore rather than all new rides I feel a re-theming of the rides in Seuss Landings will be in order. Let's take each ride one by one.

The Cat In The Hat - Super Mario Spin World!

Islands of Adventures's main ride for young kids in the park would become an animatronic heavy mario dark ride. The ride would go scene to scene through the mushroom kingdom stomping on goombas and hitting coin blocks as they chase a massive animatronic-bowser complete with fire breath. Well not fire but that steamy smoke stuff that get's sprayed in your face in a lot of Universal rides. Nintendo Land's e-ticket while not being the most thrill-packed ride in the park.

Caraseussel- The Yoshi-Go-Round

Let us remember Pina Park from Mario Sunshine- the original Nintendo theme park.

This couldn't make more sense.

One Fish Two Fish - Kirby's Super Stars

Another one for the little kids with the mascot whose games are aimed solely at them (for the most part). One Fish Two Fish is a standard Dumbo the Elephant spin ride so they could just turn the fish into little shooting stars and stick Kirby up top with a few Waddle Dees and such round the sides.


Seuss Trolley Train Ride- Pokemon Eye-Spy

The fun of the Seuss trolley comes from spotting the little characters scattered round the ride that are maybe a little harder to find. Relace the obscure Seuss characters with Pokemon and you've got a fun gentle super re-ridable ride on your hands. Gotta spot em' all! A real life pokemon snap.

Give us areal life version of this and a Wii u sequel pliz

Meet and greets with Nintendo favorites will also be scattered round the area. Who wouldn't want a picture with Mario, Link and Pikachu.

This is all very good for the young kids in the park but what about those looking for something with a little more excitement- something that isn't kids-based? Not all Nintendo fans are under 12 of course. This is where we move out of Seuss Landings and look towards The Lost Continent which is right next door. There's a little attraction there called Poseidon's Fury; a led walkthrough through a grand temple where guests work out the mysteries and puzzles inside and ends in a massive climatic battle filled with special effects.

Sounds familiar doesn't it.

Poseidon's Fury - The Legend of Zelda: Ganon's Fury

Guests enter the temple which is already conveniently built and are led through a series of new clever puzzles and rooms with special effects that ends with a battle with Ganondorf. It's the attraction at Universal that best mirrors the Zelda dungeon experience and the firey end-battle with Ganon would be quite spectacular.

Add a triforce and this tired attraction suddenly gets a whole new lease of life.

On a more boring note the setting of Hyrule would blend itself in perfectly with the entrance to The Wizarding World. The whole flow of the park would be improved.


This leaves the area with Sinbad's Stunt Show and franchise-wise Metroid and Star Fox. I suppose Fire Emblem could have some representation but characters from that could maybe just meet people occasionally in Hyrule.

So as just a wild idea- the area where the stunt show is held could be turned into a Star Tours style simulator featuring both Star Fox and Metroid elements. A few years ago there was that Metroid Star Fox crossover rumour so this is where it could be realized.

More likely- A Zelda stunt show- horse back riding, grapple hook swinging, sword fighting- t'would be quite the show.


So there's my predictions for Nintendo Land. Time to get saving for a ticket to Orlando I think.

I watch Disney's A Country Coyote Goes To Hollywood and write my thoughts

Here we go, Walt Disney, what could go wrong.

Opening credits over the walk of fame. Huge nostalge back to California. It's barely changed other than the big old Hooters across the street.
They're now singing a fun little song about Hollywood while coyotes howl along. AND THERE'S A FUCKING RACOON IN THE SWIMMING POOL!

Yep this is ace. The coyotes continue to go off their heads in time to the music.
The narrator is calling the coyote a coyOTE. Not coyoteeee. The film's first downside.
They have named the coyote Chico. We're back on track.
Chico is being chased and has found a friendly van driver to save him. It's essentially footage of a coyote running wildly round the desert as the camera pans slowly towards the back of the van.
Shots now of the terrified coyote in the back of the van, it's not got a clue what's going on.

They've definitely gone through about 7 different coyotes at this stage.
They've now blasted some hot steam just feet away from Chico. He continues to look terrified.
He's now in that bit from Grease with the car chase. There are now shots of coyotes scurrying through the storm drains. These coyotes all Chico of course.
Some physical humour as Chico steals a golfers golf ball. This amuses me more than it should.

The film makers now attempt to try and choke Chico with the gold ball. I'm guessing the coyote count at this point must be about 20 deep.
He's on the Hollywood sign now.
GASP. A possible love interest for Chico now. That looks exactly like Chico himself.
It's being made to look like he's met some friends and they're all getting on. Pretty adorable.
There are quite obviously production team members waving sticks and shouting at these coyotes so they run in the right direction.
They've trained the coyotes to open bottles. This is actually quite impressive. If there was a Chico the coyote show at Disneyland I'd definitely watch it.

It's gone a bit GTA5 now as the coyotes plan a heist on a house in the LA hills.
A coyote is a cross between a fox and a dog I've realized. The Fox and the Hound acts as this films prequel.
More chasing from the dog from Tom and Jerry. Well more Marmaduke. It's sad to know that that dog almost definitely caught that coyote a few times during filming.

More shots of the coyotes running about together as if they're friends. Cute.
Great shots of them now smoking out random animals. HOLY SHIT! They just set fire to a harmless toad?! Poor thing.
Actually, what happened to the ace raccoon from the intro? I was expecting him to play a major part.
Surprisingly tense scenes as it looks like Chico and pals may be burnt alive. More smoke is blown into their face. Real whimpering is heard.

Luckily one of the coyotes has manned a fire fighting plane and is putting out the fire. And they're now pouring some kind of toxic powder stuff directly onto the coyotes. Coyote count at this stage - 50.
OH- there's the love interest.
The music is getting a bit sexy. It's getting a bit weird.
They're adorably kissing and jumping around each other now. Everything but the humping.

'And that was Chico's que to pop the question'. Film of the year. Chris certified.
Now immediate baby Chicos. Chico's wife has baggage obviously.
My god. The story is now legit that the girl coyote was a whore who was only interested in dumping her children on the man. #reallifesatire.
Quite majestic looking animals. Animals that would almost definitely rip you apart if you went near them.
The humans are now trying to trap the coyotes. The coyotes are too clever obviously though.
Aaaand they've caught him.

It's fine though as whore-coyote's kids are trying to help him.
Oh wait they've failed.
Here comes the human to put the coyote out of it's misery and end the film. Genuine feels.
They're driving away with him in the cage. Oh noooo.
Being Disney the human was actually good and Chico has been returned home.
But he's had a taste of Hollywood! He wants to go back. Reminds me a bit of me last summer.
Oh shit there's now a van going to San Francissco. Please let there be a sequel.
O wait not San Fran. NEW YORK!

And so ends a Country Coyote Goes To Hollywood. Excellent ending, Excellent film.

My film month - January '15

Stop it everyone, stop being sad I don't write film reviews all the time any more. I fell behind and failed to catch up. 

But wait. Is this me starting up the review site again? Is this the beginning of a new era of film reviews?!?!?

Sadly not, well kinda. I'm going to write about the films this January though because my god it's been good. Taken 3, American Sniper...I saw neither of them. I did however see the following.

The Theory of Everything started the year on a high. It could have easily been very pandering and have an arseload of forced emotion. LOOK HOW SAD HIS LIFE IS! etc. But it came naturally. Like Tom Hanks as Disney in Mr.Banks, Eddie Redmayne just became Stephen Hawking, I had to remind myself at times it wasn't actually the man himself. He deserves an Oscar. If the Oscars made any sense.

And it was emotional. Good emotional though though, it came naturally. There's slowish bit but there's not much the film makers can do about that when it's the guy's actual life, we all have uneventful times. 

The very same day I saw Into The Woods. It's fairly split opinion but I thought it was really great. The first 2 thirds anyway. The atmosphere was perfect for the type of musical it was. And the songs for the most part were very enjoyable, highlights being Agony, Stay With Me and the stunning 15 minute opening epic. Without spoiling it, it'd be a perfect experience if it ended at the part that made sense. The stuff after that all got a bit muddled but it was my no means terrible. Excellent start, meh finish, not enough to ruin a great movie musical.

Speaking of Disney they can do no wrong at the moment. Big Hero 6 is fantastic. It's not Frozen but still very much Wreck It Ralph which is no bad thing. It was a Disney, Marvel movie featuring Fall Out Boy music. if it was set in a Zelda themed theme park it'd be my entire life. 

The animation short at the beginning was as per worth price of admission alone. Disney put every other animation studio to shame just now, no exceptions. 

Topping off the month was  Kingsman The Secret Service which was a mix of the Alex Rider books, Kick Ass and a James Bond parody. And it was near perfection. Not often a film can make you laugh out loud hard one minute while leaving you open mouthed at impossible looking action the next. The action moves along like a freight train (METAPHORS!) and every plot setting scene is immediately followed by some incredible looking ridiculousness. It takes some brave twists and turns too. Highly recommended. 

inconcuushion

The Theory of Everything - 8

Into The Woods - 8

Big Hero 6 - 9

The Kingsman - 9

I might make this a monthly thing, shall see in next month. February so far has The Interview and the main event- 50 Shades of Grey. Not tried my hand at a porn review before so should be interesting. 

Top 10 Films I Watched in 2014

Well it's not E3 so it must be a top 10 films list!

For me 2014 was a bit disappointing film-wise. Or so I thought before compiling the list of movies for this year's countdown. If I still rated films 1-10 I wouldn't give any 10s. But there's a couple of strong 9s. And the rest are definitely 8s.

There's a few films I didn't see this year either that could have possibly made the list. Edge of Tomorrow (or the much better named Live Die Repeat) was apparently fantastic as well as  Nightcrawler and Gone Girl. This as always is just a hugely subjective, bias list of the films I saw this year. My pretend critic days are over. For now anyway.

I'll throw out a few honourable mentions. I saw Non-Stop recently and it was a great way to spend an afternoon. In the same way, Jack Ryan was a surprisingly fun popcorn-film.
I also really wanted to include The Hobbit Part 3 on here but sadly it just missed out. Not a bad film at all but I think it hit it's peak with Smaug in Part 2.

So with that here's the top 10 films I saw in 2014.


10.The Inbetweeners 2

I expected the worst and ended up laughing a lot more than I thought I would. Sure it's not as good as the TV show or the first film but there are definitely shades of what made The Inbetweeners so good initially all the way through this. For the sole reason that the film was so much better than what I expected, it makes it's way onto the list. The Inbetweeners have survived the their run without a single bad movie or episode.

Best bit: As much as everyone remembers the toilet humour based water slide segment, I laughed hard at the rape whistle scene. I felt it was the closest to the humour that was present in the early series.

9.The Raid 2

The Raid 2 is totally nuts and makes every western action film look a bit silly in comparison. Again while not quite as good as the first one, The Raid 2 is pretty stunning to watch. The fight scenes look completely real, I found myself asking myself again and again how people weren't actually getting hurt on set. A bit story heavy at the start but the action more than makes up for it. Brutal stuff.

Best bit: After a slow start shit starts to really go down in prison. That first fight in the mud is where you realise that you're dealing with more than just a lazy CG heavy action film.

8.The Wolf of Wall Street

A fantastic performance by Leonardo DiCaprio that makes a 3 hour run time feel like 2. And a half maybe. Yeah it's too long but it's still keeps your interest til the end. Leo's character is the such an asshole yet somehow he's remarkably cool. I kind of want to be him while at the same time properly not.

Best bit: The drug scene stands out as the films funniest moment. Jonah Hill making it all the better.

7.X-Men: Days of Future Past

The first of some great super hero films we got this year. For me it was possibly the best in the whole X-men series, great action, humour, incredible cast. The problem I find with X-Men films is that there are so many of them no one really gets a chance to shine. And while it's still the case for the most part in DOFP many of the characters such as McAvoy and Lawrence really stand out.

Best bit: The Quicksilver section while feeling a bit disjointed to the rest of the movie had a really great end pay off in the escape scene.

6.Guardians of the Galaxy

People seem to be in 2 camps with Guardians. Either the 'it was very good' camp or the 'it was EXCEPTIONALLY good!' camp. I unfortunately fall into the first but that's no bad thing. Marvel are on form once again here and I hope it's the start in a long series of films. It's a modern day (good) Star Wars, ignoring episode 7 which is coming out this year.

Best bit: The prison escape balanced action with comedy perfectly. It was chaotic, fun and a contributing factor to why it was one of the biggest box-office hits this year.

5. Mockingjay Part 1 

It's a half a film but half of a very good film. if you were worried a Hunger Games movie wouldn't work without a Hunger Games you need to worry no more. Mockingjay part 1 shifts the focus to the politics of the world they live in and the lack of action is made up for in the scenes where Katniss and district 13 prepare for the final revolution. I have high hopes for part 2.

Best bit: The actiony bit in the trailer ends up being one of the only actiony bits in the film. But it's still fantastic edge of your seat stuff. The shot of the concrete tower slowly falling over is probably my favourite in the film.

4. A Million Ways To Die In The West

It's this years controversial choice. But honestly, I've not laughed this hard at a film in a long time. I was told a lot of the jokes fall flat but for me I found myself laughing all the way through. It's like a 2 hour Family Guy special set in the wild west. I'm sure that sounds like hell for some but for me I couldn't get enough.

Best bit: The moustache song. That is all.

3. The Amazing Spiderman 2

This split opinion but I honestly thought it was one of the best Spiderman films there's been, Tobey Maguire spideys included. Andrew Garfield still plays the character perfectly and the action scenes are in my opinion pretty stunning. Electro was a great villain and as much as The Green Goblin is a bit tacked on at the end it provides the film with a fantastic ending that pulls on the heart strings. 

Best bit: The emotional end scene. Oh and the Times Square bit was very impressive. 

2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Marvel created a film that didn't put a foot wrong. It's a tricky job to follow in the footsteps of Iron man or Thor when your super power is quite unspectacular. But bringing SHIELD into the story, making Black Widow interesting and punctuating the film with some fantastic action sequences I think Captain America 2 has become one of Marvel's strongest films. Top 3 for me at least. 

Best bit: Any scene where The Cap was kicking ass was hugely enjoyable which probably made up a good 50% of the movie. 

1.Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

The sequel to one of my favourite films of all time had big boots to fill. But it filled them well. The 10 years later scenario was a great direction to go in I thought and the disputes with both the human and ape societies kept me gripped. The story constantly kept me guessing and the action set-pieces really paid off. I now have to worry about Apes prequel 3 as it could potentially ruin a franchise that has become one of my favourites in all of film. Let's hope it doesn't. 

Best bit: I remember sitting in the cinema watching an ape dual-wielding machine guns and thinking this scene probably won't be matched in terms of awesome this year. I was not wrong. 



And now 2015. Jurassic World, 2 Pixar films, Star Wars, Avengers...I hope to see them all in next year's list.