A Christmas like - Pigs in Blankets

I'll start with a cliche. But my god, aren't pigs in blankets just the best.

You foodgasm'd

Why do pigs in blankets not last all year round? Why can a cocktail sausage only be wrapped in delicious bacon one day of the year? I eat bacon all year round, I eat sausages all year round. Why are they only united in little parcels of pigliciousness at Christmas!

I could see them getting served at mcdonalds as an alternative to Mcnuggets. Imagine that on a night out, stumbling into Mcdonalds at 3am and being presented with a box of 20 pigs in blankets. You'd head over to the hilariously named 'condiment bar' that actually exist in most Mcdonalds restaurants now and pump some delicious gravy over them all. The perfect end to a night out. I'll start writing a letter to Ronald.

It's not just pigs in blankets, there's loads of other foods that for some reason only get eaten at Christmas.

I know there's a lot of haters but Christmas pudding is a king of foods. There's always a genuine feeling of despair when you finish the last bite and know you have to wait an entire year for another piece  No need for it. I blame the name- Christmas pudding, it confines it to one day. Unspecific-date pudding, sounds much better.

This is far too pretty, looks better when it's just a puddingy mess covered in custard

I've always been quite lucky in the fact my grandma has always brought round a trifle and guilts everyone into eating that instead, leaving more Christmas pudding for me.

Parsnips, a vegetable I'm pretty sure only exist as part of a Christmas dinner. The parsnip is like the carrot's better tasting brother, stealing the show on Christmas day while the carrots look on jealously from across the plate. They punish us for the rest of the year by being part of every Sunday dinner we ever eat.

Was going to include scrambled eggs and salmon for Christmas breakfast but I've been told multiple times this isn't a Christmas thing. It's like at bonfire night where my parents insist on bringing us cups of tomato soup because it's a 'thing'.It's not a bad thing though, its just what we've always eaten after we open our presents- scrambled eggs and salmon. And its boss.

A festive Christmas salmon

I feel mince pies are worth an honorable mention but are they really that great? I'm always really stoked to have one but then get halfway through and get a bit 'meh, this is average'. Also don't make the mistake I made of trying to microwave one. I bit into it and this happened basically.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbNkBOGMwg&t=0m22s
Pretty hot

I'll end with Quality Street, the most Christmassy of Christmas foods. The tin gets whapped out and you know its that time of year. Our family luckily all have different favorites as well, I'm pink, Mum red, Dad purple, Amy caramel and all the rest get left in the tin and totally forgotten about until the next tin gets cracked open a few days later.

Christmas Top 5 Likes and Dislikes

I’m back.

Tas been a while since I’ve blogged last, I’ve had a lot on? Yeah lets go with that.

Guiz its nearly Christmas. To celebrate and because I have a week off work I’ve decided to give a list of 5 things I like and 5 things I don’t about Christmas. Exciting times I know but you try coming up with interesting blog posts.

Hopefully I’ll get all 10 up in time for Christmas. If I don’t and I make this message public it’ll be deemed an embarrassing fail and we’ll all move on with out lives knowing Chris’s blogging skills aren't quite up to scratch.

I love you grumpy cat

Names

Following on from the slight controversy I caused last time I blogged I've decided this post will be  more light-hearted - presenting - My top 10 list of offensive names to call black people!
But not really
I'm kinda busy at the moment as unis back [for my 8 hours a week] and its the October holidays so I have ALL of the hours at work.
While I remember, if you fancy coming to see Madagascar 3 this week, please don't arrive 40 minutes early- as you will be 40 minutes early. If we let you through to the screen you will see the harrowing end of the movie where Ben Stiller the Lion dies in order to save the circus. Btw that's a spoiler. Maybe

It's tragic stuff, bring tissues

As well as working I've decided to start writing another story after the breakthrough success of my last one that was read by 2 people [thank you Matthew and Martin]. One of the biggest problems I'm facing is not how to create an interesting plot or the fact that no one will ever read the finished article- its naming the bloody characters.

Every name I think of is associated to someone I know and as soon as I start writing that name all I can think about is that person I know in real life. My protagonist has the same name as somebody I work with and they've just fully turned into that person, right down to the cineworld shirt and hat.

If anyone from work ever reads it I'll make sure to change the name so you can have fun working out who hes based on.



 

Dougie, it might be you



 

It's like when you start to think about what you'd like your children to be called. You can deny you've started to think about this but its a lie, everyone has.
Think of any name, right now. Saaaaaaay Michael. You are now thinking of at least 2 Michaels you know as well as the obvious celebrities eg Michael Jackson. Every time you call your baby son, for a while you'll just think of MJ staring back up at you, its tricky.

I stand by calling my children Pikachu and Jon-From-Big-Brother-4. I've said this since i was 12 years old and plan to stand by it.

I had this discussion with Aile a while ago [she's not pregnant and has no plans to be, justsayin] and she listed some names. As  she called them out I just thought of my class at school. The weird kid that hung around with all the first years even though he was 4th year, the giant wanker who stole my pokemon cards in p5, the boy who was sick in primary 2 and is now a junkie- she named them all.

You could always go for names that mean something. Like those books you get with all the baby names then a little made up description next to them.
That's total bullshit though because as the baby comes out you have no idea what traits that kid will have later on in life. Its particularly ironic when they do the opposite, my name for example apparently means 'Bearer of Christ' which is a giant lol.

David Cameron's name means 'beloved'. His parents obviously knew he'd be beloved by many when he became prime minister.
I was about to give descriptions of 'Sadam' and 'Adolf' as well but it kinda looked like I was putting them in the same category as Davey C. Which would be unfair [?]

The best a parent could do is call him or her 'Baby' or 'Cryer' as its accurate at the time. Pink's Mum and Dad probably had this logic when she was born.

'You want to call me what???'

I could try making up weird and different names for the characters in my book but then they'd just sound douchey. Its like when a friend says they've met someone called Cosmo or Arizonia. You've got the first impression right there- they're parents were obviously a bit mental and its probably rubbed off on them. If I call any of my characters Cosmo or Arizonia I'll have to write an entire back story of how their parents didn't love them.

To any Cosmos or Arizonias reading, I'm sorry. I'm sure you're a great person.

I'll end by saying I really don't think names should matter and just find it frustrating there's so few of them, that can be labelled socially acceptable anyway. I'd be fine with being born and given the name 'Guest 4508' or another randomised number like the people in Rollercoaster Tycoon.

When i finish my book, just know that if a character has the same name as you, everything about him or her is likely to be based on you.

Also sorry for the boring short title 'Names'. I was going to write 'The Name Game' but found myself hating myself for writing it. Names felt short and sweet, much like myself- or that dwarf that keeps getting BBC3 specials made about her.

Her



What is a student?

Someone who studies at University or college.
Well its been an eventful blog, I hope we've all learnt something.


But siriusly.
What I'm meaning is what is the average student stereotype? It's my 2nd week back at RGU now, just started 2nd year. I went to the freshers fayre and it was interesting to see how everyone advertised themselves to appeal to students.
 The most common stereotype I saw was - You are a student- you're life is now drinking cheap alcohol and eating out of pizza boxes.
It's weird because generally people who went to uni were in the quite intelligent 'good boys and girls' group at school. On the way home from their highers they'd see the neds drinking value vodka at Buckie play park while throwing empty pizza boxes at each other [I understand I'm talking personally here but it must happen everywhere]. We'd judge them as we walk past and feel sorry for what their life has become.
Then literally 12 months later the exact same person is a 'student', drinking value vodka at their halls throwing pizza boxes at their mates because its banter.
So students are people who drink a lot of alcohol. But by that logic so are tramps and 14 year old neds. Pizza Hut say on their advert they heart students next to pictures of people dancing and partying in nightclubs.So loving 'students' isn't really the case. They just heart people who drink alcohol and can't be arsed cooking.

Here is a diagram about who drinks- ie everyone at some point.

The other quite unfair stereotype of students is laziness. I remember when I used to watch Bargain Hunt the host Tim Wonnacott always jokes to the team of students 'oh so you wake up before lunchtime to watch Bargain Hunt do you?'
I particularly remember his smug face saying this as I'm in the rush hour queue out of Bridge of Don at 7.45am ready for a day of Uni that doesn't just get me up before Bargain Hunt but also makes me work through it.
Sure some students are lazy and don't bother but the majority I feel do. There are days off and early finishes but thats just kind of how uni works. Most students have anti-social work hour jobs they need to go to after as well- being a student does not mean you're living the easy life. Yet its joked about and gets a little chuckle every time lazy students are mentioned.
I'd love him to say the same thing to 2 unemployed contestants one day 'good to see you made it out of bed in time for lunch you lazy slobs.'

 

Tim Wonnacott - fascist

 



So there is the student stereotype as it stands- lazy people who drink a lot.
I understand the alcohol and party thing is true for most students living in halls living the 'student' lifestyle but what annoys me is when it's kind of forced.
I don't really class myself as a studenty student because I live at home, the only thing thats changed is I go to Uni now. I go out now and then but life isn't a constant party, I'm not surrounded by everyone going to the pub every other night. I'm surrounded by my family and street of old age pensioners.
I feel some people feel they need to change as soon as they get the student title. 'I'm at university now, i must drink ALL the alcohol! Go to ALL the parties!' People probably like this guy

 



'I've got so many lectures tomorrow but I don't care bout that shit! yolo!'

 

Being a student doesn't mean you need to change who you are, it's just getting a little bit older and having exams in January. Being a student is by no means a bad thing, its a lot of fun- an introduction to life. There's no need to be a 'studenty student' if you don't want to. 

So I ask again- who really is the textbook example of a student?

 The answer is basically still the top line of this blog post. 



A Realistic Degree

Uni is now a week away and i feel a bit meh about it.
It is quite a cushy course and quite enjoyable next to all the abysmal sounding degrees people get for proper big boy jobs but in summer after coming back Orlando and playing pokemon into the early hours of the morning it seems a bit boring.
Reading that back the pokemon bit doesn't sound like I'm living the most exciting life in the world, but its atleast a bit more exciting than shorthand.
My girlfriend [hey Aile] went to a thing about postgrads the other night and it got me thinking about courses that I'd actually love to go to, rather than just accept and half enjoy.
Heres my thinking

BA MEMEOLOGY

Memes- they're a big deal now. What started as passing fads on 4chan that only geek-types knew about has turned into something everyone and their gran recognises.
With memes growing in popularity and many more people making them, its led to some truly horrible attempts at humour.
Misused memes. Misused memes everywhere.
This for example.

 Just awful

Theres an increasing number of horrible memes appearing on facebook groups like 'Aberdeen Uni memes' and similar 'meme' groups. Its clear that not everyone should be allowed to make memes.

Hence- a degree in memeology should be required. There'd be classes on humour and how to use memes correctly. Workshops on looking at the days current events and making memes out of them. Marks would be given for how viral a students meme went and how many thumbs up they have on memebase.

Bsc POKEMON IDENTIFICATIONN

In the late nineties there were 150 pokemon. Now there are six hundred and forty nine. I apologise for writing the number, my six and nine keys are still sadly broken.
In ten years i expect there to be at least over 1000 and who knows after that. Someones going to lose track eventually. I mean who's going to remember poor Lotad when Pokemon Mauve and Cyan come out

Lotad realising the sad fact he will be forgotten one day

 

 

Theres the pokedex but surely it must have limited memory. People need to start taking note of all these pokemon so they can exist forever. A world without pokemon is sure to be a sad depressing place.

It'll also be handy when Japan finally manage to create real pokemon somehow. People will be educated and therefore not feel frightened when they see a pack of Bidoof in their back garden.

 

Bsc THEME PARK TRAVEL 

You can learn a lot from visiting theme parks.

It'd be a degree that teaches you a little bit of everything. The engineering side of how rollercoasters manage to go so fast without killing anyone. Business studies and how a well placed snacks stand can charge literally anything for a churro.

 

 

$8.50? Best take 2. And a $5 icee

 

You'd move about theme park to theme park across the world learning different country's cultures as you went. You'd learn childcare as you were faced with 100s of e-numbered up children and customer service when having to deal with their parents. It'd be a priceless learning experience. And you'd get to ride rides on your days off as well.

 

 

All quite reasonable degrees I think. Graduation would come round and you'd be sad the courses had to end. Sure the jobs they'd get you would be limited, but the jobs you would get with them would be awesome. 





London 2012- Five Things I'm Looking Forward To

Sport-hating Chris looking forward to the Olympics? Too right he is!
Unlike football or rugby or any other vaguely popular sport I dislike, I've always enjoyed watching the Olympics. I know football is part of the Olympics but the joy of it is theres more than likely to be another sport happening at the same time, a ridiculous weird one I'm likely to enjoy.
Here are 5 things I'm looking forward to about the next 14 [I think] days.
I also just realised just then my number nine key is broken, hence the square brackets.

1.Flags
Every year the summer or winter Olympics are on I always discover a new country and feel a little bit smarter after. There's always a bit of excitement when next to Russia, Russia, China, Kenya, Russia and USA stands Mr. Tuvalu [actual country, just googled 'worlds smallest countries]. Its a learning experience, we find out snippets of information here and there about the world and then see them fight it out against each other to see who's better. Because knowledge is power!
I just really hope Bhutan win something so this flag of badassery can be hoisted up in the stadium

It's like something out of Skyrim

2. Underdogs

Leading on from the small unknown countries point, I always like backing the underdog team on the rare occasion I watch sport. It's not just the small countries I'll be backing, but also the countries that play sports that make no sense for them to be playing.

For example, Canadian Beach Volleyball, swimmers from landlocked countries like Chad or Zambia.

There's also always the gymnast who's just a little bit fatter than the rest or the diver who looks about 80 years old. These are all the people I'll be rooting for.

And I'll no doubt feel bad when cheering on the one white person in the 100m, not because I'm a villainous racist, just because they're the odd one out.

There she goes

3.Diving

Something actually sporty and fully Olympics related?! Yep, I'm a fan of the diving. I don't really care who wins or loses; it just looks very impressive and impossible. Its the one sport I watch, along with the gymnastics that makes me think 'how they doing that huuuh?' The fact someone has to win and lose annoys me. If I ran the Olympics everyone would win a medal for impressing me just a little bit and everyone would go home happy. It'd take the competitive element out but I'm sure everyone would still have fun. Like being at a circus or something, its just entertaining to watch.

4.Horsey Stuff

I like the equestrian events just because they look so out of place beside every other event, especially when you press the red button and see a man with a curly moustache trotting along next to 2 guys kicking the shit out each other in Judo and the physically exhausted faces of people finishing the 10000m below that. It's also a sport Britain apparently win a lot at, basically because most other countries can't afford it.

It's also quite majestic I think, I'm glad there's at least one animal event at the Olympics. I can see Elephant Polo being a hit at Tokyo 2020  [my six key has now broken as well otherwise that would've been Rio 201six]

Hyrule obviously sponsoring this particular match with the triforces in the background

5.Britain Cocking Things Up

I'm sure everything at London 2012 will run swimmingly. But there's a part of me that really hopes at least something, very British, goes wrong. I've heard the offroad BMX event is being held at a nearby farm so I'm just imagining cows and pigs escaping from pens, running between cyclists in panic.

I'm also imagining the swimming pool being too cold to enter or Fathers For Justice postponing track events sitting on top of the stadium roof dressed as Batman and Robin. I don't want anything serious obviously, just something that'll get a laugh.

 

'Thought I'd just stand up here and spectate k?'

That's it almost 5am now, thanks to my ricockulous sleep pattern, so that means the Olympics officially start in about sixteen hours. I won't catch the silly farm-style opening ceremony but I look forward to having the games on in the background as I play minecraft or something mildly more interesting

Jurassic Wedding

Aile. The following blog post does not imply I will be proposing soon. All this is just an awesome idea that I will insist on if I ever do.

I recently went to my first wedding! I have realised I could make some joke about having been to 4 funerals and a wedding but I won't, apart from in this sentence here.
The wedding experience was great fun, but I couldn't help but think what I'd do different at mine. The way the bride and groom had their wedding fitted them perfect, but for me, I feel my wedding could be a bit different. A bit themed. A bit..

Dinosaury

So here it is, a wedding I've thought about and discussed ith people over the last few days.

The Jurassic Park Themed Wedding

The wedding chapel (in a hotel or somewhere) would be totally jungle themed. It'd all be wooden benches and torches at the ends of each aisle.Guests would enter at the back through a massive Jurassic Park gate and sit on the benches. Select guests would be given small dinosaur puppets to hold like this one. Yes I realise I've never posted a picture before- I'm happy for this to be the first one though.

Once everyone is seated the gates would close and the lights would dim. Soft jurassic park music would start. To help you imagine this fully here is that music- I will be referencing it so please open
Jurassic Park theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8zlUUrFK-M

As the music hits the 0.49 mark the lights raise a little bit and the dinosaur actors start to come in from the sides, emerging from the trees. It wouldn't be people in like Barney costumes, that'd make the wedding tacky. I'm thinking more this

 

There is a man in there, you can kind of see his legs. Maybe two of these and an apatasaur head poking over the side, we don't want to go over the top here.
Just before the music hits 1.27, a spotlight beams down on a man dressed as Richard Attenborough (the old guy in the film who made the park) at the front of the hall and he loudly says 'Welcome...Miss (bride's name) to Jurassic Park!' and the gates swing open and her and her bridesmaids walk down the leafy aisle past the guests and their occasional dinosaur puppets. She would meet her groom at the top of the aisle and the wedding would be conducted by the man dressed as Richard Attenborough.

The service would be as normal with analogies to prehistoric times. A pterodactyl would swoop down from the ceiling and deliver the rings, the bride and groom would kiss and leave through the gates to more music. Before the everyone gets up to leave Richard Attenborough would notify guests that small dinosaurs need to leave first and would trigger leg ticklers on every ones seats like those in 3D theatres.

The wedding reception would look like this, the tables for the meal first then the dancefloor.

Maybe a bit more room for dancing on the dancefloor.

The meal would be chicken or burgers or something, not that important. For pudding though everyone would get dinosaur shaped sticky toffee pudding.

The wedding cake would be as normal but with 2 dinosaurs in a wedding dress and tuxedo at the top. Obviously.

Now I wouldn't be all selfish. I'd let my wife pick our first dance. However as it ended, red warning lights would flash everywhere. A voice repeating 'Warning! Subject 7 has been released' and suddenly a giant T-Rex would burst through the wall.

It would stop there though before 'Dinosaur' by Ke$ha  would start to play and everyone would get up to dance. An amazing dance party with a mix of guests and dinosaur actors would follow.

An absolutely perfect day.

I can't see why she wouldn't want it, but if my future wife didn't want this, please someone do it and invite me. It'd be T-Reffic.