Top 10 films I saw in 2012

Thought I'd go ahead and make this list. Tas been a good year of a films. If i was to rate films out of 10 I'd probably give the top 2 films on the list 10 outta 10 with the rest all being nines.

Remember I've not seen every film that came out this year. I feel I'd have liked Prometheus, apparently Lawless was fantastic. I'm not including re-releases either otherwise Titanic and Beauty and Beast would be on here fo suuure.

And now my top 10 films of 2012.

10.The Hunger Games

There was a tonne of hype for this film. I find Katniss just a bit annoying but overall I found myself really engrossed in the film. The build up to the games themselves was well done and the games themselves were exciting and hugely tense. Walking out the cinema I couldn't help but think how I'd cope in the Hunger Games myself. Quite stoked for Catching Fire next year, I just hope Katniss isn't as angsty in the movie as she is in the book.

Best Scene: The start of the Games where they all come up the tubes then all hell breaks loose.

9. The Amazing Spiderman

Did Spiderman need a reboot? I think this film proved that yes, it did. This Peter Parker is a bit more badass, the slight cockiness and humour making him a lot more likable than Toby Maguire as Spiderman. It had more heart and the action was top notch- a very enjoyable super hero movie.

Best Scene: When Spiderman plays about with the thug in the car, showing off the new wisecracking sarcastic Spidey.

8. Chronicle

Chronicle is a thrill ride. Teenagers doing cool levatatey stuff just because they can. I really enjoyed Andrew's slide into madness, it kinda gave it away in the trailers but when he sits there crushing that car with his mind in the scrap yard you know shits going to go down, and it does. The throwdown at the end is pretty spectacular.

Best Scene: When Andrew 'swooshes' the car into the lake and they realise what they're capable of.

7. Argo

As reviewer Jeremy Jahns puts it- 'the most exciting film of the year where no one ever gets shot'. The tension built in this film is unparallelled by any other film this year. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, waiting for someone to be caught or revealed to be a vile American. It also made me hate Iran. It's crazy this film is based on true events. If it wasn't the film would seem almost too unbelievable.

Best Scene: Getting through the Iranian airport, watching tensely as they pass through every security checkpoint

6. The Iron Lady

Well this was onix-pected. I never expected to enjoy a biopic about a political figure this much but it's so damn emotional! Pretty harsh that they portray Maggie T as this batty dementia-ey old wifey when the poor woman is still alive. I never knew much about Margret Thatcher before this film and now I can say I'm quite a fan. An incredible life story told expertly and heart-breakingly sad in parts.

Best Scene: Watching the deceased Mr.Thatcher walk away from his wife down the corridor at the end. Tears fell

5. Looper

It's tough to make sci-fi film quite gritty and edgy but Looper succeeded and worked on a number of levels. It could have easily been JGL chasing after Bruce Willis and vice versa in a mindless action romp but again, it had heart. Deaths were harrowing and genuinely shocking. When there was dialogue is was tense and well written. A lot of people didn't like the end. I honestly can't think of a better one. It wrapped the whole film up nicely.

Best Scene: The meeting in the cafe between Joe and his future self waiting for one of them to snap and kick off.

4.The Artist

The Artist was such a nice film. It's impressive just how much you can feel for a character without ever hearing them talk. If all black and white silent films are as good as The Artist I have a load of pre-20s movies to watch. I'm also a little bit in love with Peppy Miller, jusayin. I notice this film is in a lot of best of 2011 film lists but I saw it in 2012 so it makes the list.

Best Scene: George Valentine's dream of a world with sound is pretty memorable and well done.

3.Seeking a Friend For The End Of The World

I'm a sap. There's no denying it. This film starts as being really darkly funny movie but gets a strong emotional backbone as you realize the world is actually going to end killing everyone the characters you've gone on this little journey with love. The relationship between Carell and Knightley would never work in any other circumstance but in this one it does which makes the ending, given away in the title and first few seconds of the film, really quite tragic and strangely beautiful. 

Best Scene: Lying on the floor of the apartment talking to each other, waiting for the world to end.

2. The Avengers

The perfect super-hero film. Action so good and exciting it warranted 3 separate trips to see it in a single week. I love every character in The Avengers, even the almost totally pointless Hawkeye has his moments. When you put so many big comic book heroes into a film it was always going to be massive and The Avengers definitely was, blowing mine and cinema goers expectation out of the park. I could watch Hulk take down that huge floaty caterpillary thing in the city again and again and again.

Best Scene: The sweeping shot in the city of each hero doing their thing. Full of badassery

1.Skyfall

I wasn't a huge James Bond fan before this film. Now I want to watch every one of them. It mixed the new 'dark' Bond with the more classic Bond formula and wow did it pay off- the action is perfect, every scene as exciting as the last. The villain, also perfect, poncy but menacing. Daniel Craig is just a great James Bond, I can't compare to the other Bonds due to seeing an embarrassingly low number of Bond films but in my head Daniel Craig IS James Bond. Skyfall is a film that impressed me more than I ever thought it could and that's why it deserves the number one spot on this list.

Best Scene: I particularly liked the action scenes on the London Underground. The chase was intense


Honourable mentions to Ted, Dark Knight Rises, Dredd, Paranorman, The Hobbit and Battleship, a film I'm pretty sure no one enjoyed in the world but me. All strong 8s.

And there we are, my favourite films of 2012. Next year is looking like an interesting year for films already; it's too hard to even predict what will be on 2013's list.

50 Films I'll Watch before 2014

I've told a few people I'm making a list of 50 films I will watch before the end of 2013. People are often shocked at the lack of films I've seen so this list will sort that hopefully!

I've included films that are either very popular, have high critical acclaim or films I know I'll probably like. 

If anyone wants to lend me DVDs that'd be nice!

     1.      It’s a Wonderful Life 

2. The Shawshank Redemption
3. The Mummy
4. Ace Ventura
5. Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
6. Lord of the Rings Return of the King
7. Terminator
8. Alien
9. Scarface
10. Sleepy Hollow
11. Die Hard
12. Inception
13. Gladiator
14. Reservoir Dogs
15. Brave Heart
16. Trainspotting
17. Beetlejuice
18. The King’s Speech
19. Rain Man
20. Men In Black
21. Mean Girls
22. The Big Lebowski
23. Anchorman
24. The Goonies
25. Kill Bill
26. Wayne’s World
27. The Blues Brothers
28. Clerks                                                                        
29. Dead Poets Society
30. Rocky
31. Planet of the Apes
32. LA Confidential
33. Pulp Fiction
34. The Never Ending Story
35. Fantasia
36. The Social Network
37. The Departed
38. Saving Private Ryan
39. Blade Runner
40. Batman
41. Ghostbusters
42. Ferris Buellers Day Off
43. The Good The Bad and the Ugly
44. Beverly Hills Cop
45. Kramer vs Kramer
46. West Side Story
47. Some Like It Hot
48. Mission Impossible
49. Silence of The Lambs
50. Se7en

I've tried not to include more than one film per series as well but have made an exception for LOTR. 

A Christmas Like - Advent Calenders

You are never too old for an advent calender

Not entirly sure how it's magical, but it's chocolate for breakfast

What's not to like? Nothing get's you more stoked for christmas than a little picture of santa and a small mould of chocolate every single morning.

If you're one of these people who don't eat the chocolate as soon as you get up then you my friend are doing Christmas wrong. It's the only time of year where it's half acceptable to eat chocolate for breakfast. No judgment from me ofcourse, I had a full BBQ bacon chicken breast for breakfast yesterday. Was delicious.

You have to be careful what advent calender you choose, it's not a simple process. Cadburys is usually fine, M&S are k, but stay the hell away from a company called Kinnerton. They specialise in ruining holidays for children.

Give your child one of these and you have ruined their Christmas

Why are they so bad? A main reason is they don't have any foil so therefore aren't officially advent calenders at all. I mean siriusly, whats an advent calender without foil? As a child theres a certain tension as you start to slowly rip it to reveal what chocolate will be underneath, similar to Link opening a chest in Zelda. Don't know what I'm talking about? Play literally any Zelda game.

Secondly I'm not entirly sure all of them have pictures on the insides of the doors. The hells that about? It's what advent calenders used to be before they were made better with chocolate. I can't think of anything that can't be made better with chocolate to be honest. Car rides. Films. Marshmallows. Sexual partners.

Chocolate, msking life better

 Similarly I hate advent calenders with '10 DAYS TO GO!' on the inside. We know, there's quite clearly 10 more doors left to open.

Or  nine seeings as advent calenders only go up to the 24th for some reason.

Lastly the chocolate is just horrible. You wonder how they can get it so wrong, surely they must taste it before they pour into moulds of poorly shaped candles and presents. It's exactly the same with the easter eggs they do, I'd rather eat liquorice. And liquorice is awful.

I understand this was supposed to be a positive post and I still think it kinda is. Advents calenders are a great part of christmas, as long as theres foil, pictures and chocolate in nice shapes that don't taste of sadness.

A Christmas Dislike - Self Indulgent Christmas Cards

Why go to all that trouble buying a Christmas card when I can just send a picture of my gorgeous family to stare at people on their mantelpiece!

Merry Christmas, look at the fun we're having on this tree

Why is this a thing? What makes someone decide that people want to see pictures of their family as a Christmas card? Imagine this happening on birthdays, instead of a picture of a pug in a bow tie or hilarious joke about getting old you just got a picture of the senders face staring at you smugly with a look of self satisfaction on their face.

It's as if to say 'Merry Christmas! But remember we're celebrating Christmas too and we are the more important family'. 

The thing worse than this is when you receive an A4 sheet of paper within the card with a big old review of the family's exciting year complete with a Microsoft Word-art title and little clip art pictures of balloons and birthday cakes. 

It will almost always start along the lines of 'Well what a year it's been!'

A year so fucking fantastic you want the whole world to know about it!

I've had a go at writing an example of a really honest letter someone who sends this type of card would write. I have no idea who the family are, I just got the pic from google...

I have no idea why it's so big. And that's what she said

My point is, no one really cares. Send a Christmas card acknowledging we exist and sign your name. It's all that's fully required. 

Just don't go to the Evening Express and put one of those terrible 'Will not be sending cards this year but Merry Christmas from Mr.X ' messages in the paper. It's not World War II people, get off your arse and write some £2 for 10 store bought Christmas cards!

A Christmas like - Pigs in Blankets

I'll start with a cliche. But my god, aren't pigs in blankets just the best.

You foodgasm'd

Why do pigs in blankets not last all year round? Why can a cocktail sausage only be wrapped in delicious bacon one day of the year? I eat bacon all year round, I eat sausages all year round. Why are they only united in little parcels of pigliciousness at Christmas!

I could see them getting served at mcdonalds as an alternative to Mcnuggets. Imagine that on a night out, stumbling into Mcdonalds at 3am and being presented with a box of 20 pigs in blankets. You'd head over to the hilariously named 'condiment bar' that actually exist in most Mcdonalds restaurants now and pump some delicious gravy over them all. The perfect end to a night out. I'll start writing a letter to Ronald.

It's not just pigs in blankets, there's loads of other foods that for some reason only get eaten at Christmas.

I know there's a lot of haters but Christmas pudding is a king of foods. There's always a genuine feeling of despair when you finish the last bite and know you have to wait an entire year for another piece  No need for it. I blame the name- Christmas pudding, it confines it to one day. Unspecific-date pudding, sounds much better.

This is far too pretty, looks better when it's just a puddingy mess covered in custard

I've always been quite lucky in the fact my grandma has always brought round a trifle and guilts everyone into eating that instead, leaving more Christmas pudding for me.

Parsnips, a vegetable I'm pretty sure only exist as part of a Christmas dinner. The parsnip is like the carrot's better tasting brother, stealing the show on Christmas day while the carrots look on jealously from across the plate. They punish us for the rest of the year by being part of every Sunday dinner we ever eat.

Was going to include scrambled eggs and salmon for Christmas breakfast but I've been told multiple times this isn't a Christmas thing. It's like at bonfire night where my parents insist on bringing us cups of tomato soup because it's a 'thing'.It's not a bad thing though, its just what we've always eaten after we open our presents- scrambled eggs and salmon. And its boss.

A festive Christmas salmon

I feel mince pies are worth an honorable mention but are they really that great? I'm always really stoked to have one but then get halfway through and get a bit 'meh, this is average'. Also don't make the mistake I made of trying to microwave one. I bit into it and this happened basically.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbNkBOGMwg&t=0m22s
Pretty hot

I'll end with Quality Street, the most Christmassy of Christmas foods. The tin gets whapped out and you know its that time of year. Our family luckily all have different favorites as well, I'm pink, Mum red, Dad purple, Amy caramel and all the rest get left in the tin and totally forgotten about until the next tin gets cracked open a few days later.

Christmas Top 5 Likes and Dislikes

I’m back.

Tas been a while since I’ve blogged last, I’ve had a lot on? Yeah lets go with that.

Guiz its nearly Christmas. To celebrate and because I have a week off work I’ve decided to give a list of 5 things I like and 5 things I don’t about Christmas. Exciting times I know but you try coming up with interesting blog posts.

Hopefully I’ll get all 10 up in time for Christmas. If I don’t and I make this message public it’ll be deemed an embarrassing fail and we’ll all move on with out lives knowing Chris’s blogging skills aren't quite up to scratch.

I love you grumpy cat

Names

Following on from the slight controversy I caused last time I blogged I've decided this post will be  more light-hearted - presenting - My top 10 list of offensive names to call black people!
But not really
I'm kinda busy at the moment as unis back [for my 8 hours a week] and its the October holidays so I have ALL of the hours at work.
While I remember, if you fancy coming to see Madagascar 3 this week, please don't arrive 40 minutes early- as you will be 40 minutes early. If we let you through to the screen you will see the harrowing end of the movie where Ben Stiller the Lion dies in order to save the circus. Btw that's a spoiler. Maybe

It's tragic stuff, bring tissues

As well as working I've decided to start writing another story after the breakthrough success of my last one that was read by 2 people [thank you Matthew and Martin]. One of the biggest problems I'm facing is not how to create an interesting plot or the fact that no one will ever read the finished article- its naming the bloody characters.

Every name I think of is associated to someone I know and as soon as I start writing that name all I can think about is that person I know in real life. My protagonist has the same name as somebody I work with and they've just fully turned into that person, right down to the cineworld shirt and hat.

If anyone from work ever reads it I'll make sure to change the name so you can have fun working out who hes based on.



 

Dougie, it might be you



 

It's like when you start to think about what you'd like your children to be called. You can deny you've started to think about this but its a lie, everyone has.
Think of any name, right now. Saaaaaaay Michael. You are now thinking of at least 2 Michaels you know as well as the obvious celebrities eg Michael Jackson. Every time you call your baby son, for a while you'll just think of MJ staring back up at you, its tricky.

I stand by calling my children Pikachu and Jon-From-Big-Brother-4. I've said this since i was 12 years old and plan to stand by it.

I had this discussion with Aile a while ago [she's not pregnant and has no plans to be, justsayin] and she listed some names. As  she called them out I just thought of my class at school. The weird kid that hung around with all the first years even though he was 4th year, the giant wanker who stole my pokemon cards in p5, the boy who was sick in primary 2 and is now a junkie- she named them all.

You could always go for names that mean something. Like those books you get with all the baby names then a little made up description next to them.
That's total bullshit though because as the baby comes out you have no idea what traits that kid will have later on in life. Its particularly ironic when they do the opposite, my name for example apparently means 'Bearer of Christ' which is a giant lol.

David Cameron's name means 'beloved'. His parents obviously knew he'd be beloved by many when he became prime minister.
I was about to give descriptions of 'Sadam' and 'Adolf' as well but it kinda looked like I was putting them in the same category as Davey C. Which would be unfair [?]

The best a parent could do is call him or her 'Baby' or 'Cryer' as its accurate at the time. Pink's Mum and Dad probably had this logic when she was born.

'You want to call me what???'

I could try making up weird and different names for the characters in my book but then they'd just sound douchey. Its like when a friend says they've met someone called Cosmo or Arizonia. You've got the first impression right there- they're parents were obviously a bit mental and its probably rubbed off on them. If I call any of my characters Cosmo or Arizonia I'll have to write an entire back story of how their parents didn't love them.

To any Cosmos or Arizonias reading, I'm sorry. I'm sure you're a great person.

I'll end by saying I really don't think names should matter and just find it frustrating there's so few of them, that can be labelled socially acceptable anyway. I'd be fine with being born and given the name 'Guest 4508' or another randomised number like the people in Rollercoaster Tycoon.

When i finish my book, just know that if a character has the same name as you, everything about him or her is likely to be based on you.

Also sorry for the boring short title 'Names'. I was going to write 'The Name Game' but found myself hating myself for writing it. Names felt short and sweet, much like myself- or that dwarf that keeps getting BBC3 specials made about her.

Her



What is a student?

Someone who studies at University or college.
Well its been an eventful blog, I hope we've all learnt something.


But siriusly.
What I'm meaning is what is the average student stereotype? It's my 2nd week back at RGU now, just started 2nd year. I went to the freshers fayre and it was interesting to see how everyone advertised themselves to appeal to students.
 The most common stereotype I saw was - You are a student- you're life is now drinking cheap alcohol and eating out of pizza boxes.
It's weird because generally people who went to uni were in the quite intelligent 'good boys and girls' group at school. On the way home from their highers they'd see the neds drinking value vodka at Buckie play park while throwing empty pizza boxes at each other [I understand I'm talking personally here but it must happen everywhere]. We'd judge them as we walk past and feel sorry for what their life has become.
Then literally 12 months later the exact same person is a 'student', drinking value vodka at their halls throwing pizza boxes at their mates because its banter.
So students are people who drink a lot of alcohol. But by that logic so are tramps and 14 year old neds. Pizza Hut say on their advert they heart students next to pictures of people dancing and partying in nightclubs.So loving 'students' isn't really the case. They just heart people who drink alcohol and can't be arsed cooking.

Here is a diagram about who drinks- ie everyone at some point.

The other quite unfair stereotype of students is laziness. I remember when I used to watch Bargain Hunt the host Tim Wonnacott always jokes to the team of students 'oh so you wake up before lunchtime to watch Bargain Hunt do you?'
I particularly remember his smug face saying this as I'm in the rush hour queue out of Bridge of Don at 7.45am ready for a day of Uni that doesn't just get me up before Bargain Hunt but also makes me work through it.
Sure some students are lazy and don't bother but the majority I feel do. There are days off and early finishes but thats just kind of how uni works. Most students have anti-social work hour jobs they need to go to after as well- being a student does not mean you're living the easy life. Yet its joked about and gets a little chuckle every time lazy students are mentioned.
I'd love him to say the same thing to 2 unemployed contestants one day 'good to see you made it out of bed in time for lunch you lazy slobs.'

 

Tim Wonnacott - fascist

 



So there is the student stereotype as it stands- lazy people who drink a lot.
I understand the alcohol and party thing is true for most students living in halls living the 'student' lifestyle but what annoys me is when it's kind of forced.
I don't really class myself as a studenty student because I live at home, the only thing thats changed is I go to Uni now. I go out now and then but life isn't a constant party, I'm not surrounded by everyone going to the pub every other night. I'm surrounded by my family and street of old age pensioners.
I feel some people feel they need to change as soon as they get the student title. 'I'm at university now, i must drink ALL the alcohol! Go to ALL the parties!' People probably like this guy

 



'I've got so many lectures tomorrow but I don't care bout that shit! yolo!'

 

Being a student doesn't mean you need to change who you are, it's just getting a little bit older and having exams in January. Being a student is by no means a bad thing, its a lot of fun- an introduction to life. There's no need to be a 'studenty student' if you don't want to. 

So I ask again- who really is the textbook example of a student?

 The answer is basically still the top line of this blog post. 



A Realistic Degree

Uni is now a week away and i feel a bit meh about it.
It is quite a cushy course and quite enjoyable next to all the abysmal sounding degrees people get for proper big boy jobs but in summer after coming back Orlando and playing pokemon into the early hours of the morning it seems a bit boring.
Reading that back the pokemon bit doesn't sound like I'm living the most exciting life in the world, but its atleast a bit more exciting than shorthand.
My girlfriend [hey Aile] went to a thing about postgrads the other night and it got me thinking about courses that I'd actually love to go to, rather than just accept and half enjoy.
Heres my thinking

BA MEMEOLOGY

Memes- they're a big deal now. What started as passing fads on 4chan that only geek-types knew about has turned into something everyone and their gran recognises.
With memes growing in popularity and many more people making them, its led to some truly horrible attempts at humour.
Misused memes. Misused memes everywhere.
This for example.

 Just awful

Theres an increasing number of horrible memes appearing on facebook groups like 'Aberdeen Uni memes' and similar 'meme' groups. Its clear that not everyone should be allowed to make memes.

Hence- a degree in memeology should be required. There'd be classes on humour and how to use memes correctly. Workshops on looking at the days current events and making memes out of them. Marks would be given for how viral a students meme went and how many thumbs up they have on memebase.

Bsc POKEMON IDENTIFICATIONN

In the late nineties there were 150 pokemon. Now there are six hundred and forty nine. I apologise for writing the number, my six and nine keys are still sadly broken.
In ten years i expect there to be at least over 1000 and who knows after that. Someones going to lose track eventually. I mean who's going to remember poor Lotad when Pokemon Mauve and Cyan come out

Lotad realising the sad fact he will be forgotten one day

 

 

Theres the pokedex but surely it must have limited memory. People need to start taking note of all these pokemon so they can exist forever. A world without pokemon is sure to be a sad depressing place.

It'll also be handy when Japan finally manage to create real pokemon somehow. People will be educated and therefore not feel frightened when they see a pack of Bidoof in their back garden.

 

Bsc THEME PARK TRAVEL 

You can learn a lot from visiting theme parks.

It'd be a degree that teaches you a little bit of everything. The engineering side of how rollercoasters manage to go so fast without killing anyone. Business studies and how a well placed snacks stand can charge literally anything for a churro.

 

 

$8.50? Best take 2. And a $5 icee

 

You'd move about theme park to theme park across the world learning different country's cultures as you went. You'd learn childcare as you were faced with 100s of e-numbered up children and customer service when having to deal with their parents. It'd be a priceless learning experience. And you'd get to ride rides on your days off as well.

 

 

All quite reasonable degrees I think. Graduation would come round and you'd be sad the courses had to end. Sure the jobs they'd get you would be limited, but the jobs you would get with them would be awesome. 





London 2012- Five Things I'm Looking Forward To

Sport-hating Chris looking forward to the Olympics? Too right he is!
Unlike football or rugby or any other vaguely popular sport I dislike, I've always enjoyed watching the Olympics. I know football is part of the Olympics but the joy of it is theres more than likely to be another sport happening at the same time, a ridiculous weird one I'm likely to enjoy.
Here are 5 things I'm looking forward to about the next 14 [I think] days.
I also just realised just then my number nine key is broken, hence the square brackets.

1.Flags
Every year the summer or winter Olympics are on I always discover a new country and feel a little bit smarter after. There's always a bit of excitement when next to Russia, Russia, China, Kenya, Russia and USA stands Mr. Tuvalu [actual country, just googled 'worlds smallest countries]. Its a learning experience, we find out snippets of information here and there about the world and then see them fight it out against each other to see who's better. Because knowledge is power!
I just really hope Bhutan win something so this flag of badassery can be hoisted up in the stadium

It's like something out of Skyrim

2. Underdogs

Leading on from the small unknown countries point, I always like backing the underdog team on the rare occasion I watch sport. It's not just the small countries I'll be backing, but also the countries that play sports that make no sense for them to be playing.

For example, Canadian Beach Volleyball, swimmers from landlocked countries like Chad or Zambia.

There's also always the gymnast who's just a little bit fatter than the rest or the diver who looks about 80 years old. These are all the people I'll be rooting for.

And I'll no doubt feel bad when cheering on the one white person in the 100m, not because I'm a villainous racist, just because they're the odd one out.

There she goes

3.Diving

Something actually sporty and fully Olympics related?! Yep, I'm a fan of the diving. I don't really care who wins or loses; it just looks very impressive and impossible. Its the one sport I watch, along with the gymnastics that makes me think 'how they doing that huuuh?' The fact someone has to win and lose annoys me. If I ran the Olympics everyone would win a medal for impressing me just a little bit and everyone would go home happy. It'd take the competitive element out but I'm sure everyone would still have fun. Like being at a circus or something, its just entertaining to watch.

4.Horsey Stuff

I like the equestrian events just because they look so out of place beside every other event, especially when you press the red button and see a man with a curly moustache trotting along next to 2 guys kicking the shit out each other in Judo and the physically exhausted faces of people finishing the 10000m below that. It's also a sport Britain apparently win a lot at, basically because most other countries can't afford it.

It's also quite majestic I think, I'm glad there's at least one animal event at the Olympics. I can see Elephant Polo being a hit at Tokyo 2020  [my six key has now broken as well otherwise that would've been Rio 201six]

Hyrule obviously sponsoring this particular match with the triforces in the background

5.Britain Cocking Things Up

I'm sure everything at London 2012 will run swimmingly. But there's a part of me that really hopes at least something, very British, goes wrong. I've heard the offroad BMX event is being held at a nearby farm so I'm just imagining cows and pigs escaping from pens, running between cyclists in panic.

I'm also imagining the swimming pool being too cold to enter or Fathers For Justice postponing track events sitting on top of the stadium roof dressed as Batman and Robin. I don't want anything serious obviously, just something that'll get a laugh.

 

'Thought I'd just stand up here and spectate k?'

That's it almost 5am now, thanks to my ricockulous sleep pattern, so that means the Olympics officially start in about sixteen hours. I won't catch the silly farm-style opening ceremony but I look forward to having the games on in the background as I play minecraft or something mildly more interesting

Jurassic Wedding

Aile. The following blog post does not imply I will be proposing soon. All this is just an awesome idea that I will insist on if I ever do.

I recently went to my first wedding! I have realised I could make some joke about having been to 4 funerals and a wedding but I won't, apart from in this sentence here.
The wedding experience was great fun, but I couldn't help but think what I'd do different at mine. The way the bride and groom had their wedding fitted them perfect, but for me, I feel my wedding could be a bit different. A bit themed. A bit..

Dinosaury

So here it is, a wedding I've thought about and discussed ith people over the last few days.

The Jurassic Park Themed Wedding

The wedding chapel (in a hotel or somewhere) would be totally jungle themed. It'd all be wooden benches and torches at the ends of each aisle.Guests would enter at the back through a massive Jurassic Park gate and sit on the benches. Select guests would be given small dinosaur puppets to hold like this one. Yes I realise I've never posted a picture before- I'm happy for this to be the first one though.

Once everyone is seated the gates would close and the lights would dim. Soft jurassic park music would start. To help you imagine this fully here is that music- I will be referencing it so please open
Jurassic Park theme
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8zlUUrFK-M

As the music hits the 0.49 mark the lights raise a little bit and the dinosaur actors start to come in from the sides, emerging from the trees. It wouldn't be people in like Barney costumes, that'd make the wedding tacky. I'm thinking more this

 

There is a man in there, you can kind of see his legs. Maybe two of these and an apatasaur head poking over the side, we don't want to go over the top here.
Just before the music hits 1.27, a spotlight beams down on a man dressed as Richard Attenborough (the old guy in the film who made the park) at the front of the hall and he loudly says 'Welcome...Miss (bride's name) to Jurassic Park!' and the gates swing open and her and her bridesmaids walk down the leafy aisle past the guests and their occasional dinosaur puppets. She would meet her groom at the top of the aisle and the wedding would be conducted by the man dressed as Richard Attenborough.

The service would be as normal with analogies to prehistoric times. A pterodactyl would swoop down from the ceiling and deliver the rings, the bride and groom would kiss and leave through the gates to more music. Before the everyone gets up to leave Richard Attenborough would notify guests that small dinosaurs need to leave first and would trigger leg ticklers on every ones seats like those in 3D theatres.

The wedding reception would look like this, the tables for the meal first then the dancefloor.

Maybe a bit more room for dancing on the dancefloor.

The meal would be chicken or burgers or something, not that important. For pudding though everyone would get dinosaur shaped sticky toffee pudding.

The wedding cake would be as normal but with 2 dinosaurs in a wedding dress and tuxedo at the top. Obviously.

Now I wouldn't be all selfish. I'd let my wife pick our first dance. However as it ended, red warning lights would flash everywhere. A voice repeating 'Warning! Subject 7 has been released' and suddenly a giant T-Rex would burst through the wall.

It would stop there though before 'Dinosaur' by Ke$ha  would start to play and everyone would get up to dance. An amazing dance party with a mix of guests and dinosaur actors would follow.

An absolutely perfect day.

I can't see why she wouldn't want it, but if my future wife didn't want this, please someone do it and invite me. It'd be T-Reffic. 

Waiting to talk to SAAS on the phone- how I spent my waiting time

I am currently number 54 in the SAAS queue. lets see what i can do in this time.
Gonna prepare a pizza
Well thats the pizza in the oven
You are currently number 51 in the queue
1st level of super mario bros i think
You are currently number 47 in the queue
Seems a waste not to do the 2nd level as well
You are currently number 43 in the queue
Best check on the pizza, get it out the oven
Not quite ready yet so il watch wimbldon. score so far is 2 games each
You are currently number 37 in the queue
Enough time to check the spelling of wimbledon there, turns out it does have an e
You are currently number 36 in the queue
Thats the pizza out and a drink poured
You are currently number 33 in the queue
Well that was a tasty pizza, wonder where I am now
You are currently number 24 in the queue
We more than halfway there! What to do now. Could spend this time productivly, gonna learn a bit of French.
Doing this on youtube obviously so have to sit through the bloody adverts
You are currently number 22 in the queue
un mouton - a sheep
un poulet - a chicken
un cochen - a pig
Yeah its all animals. Mouton makes sense, like mutton, poulet I've heard being referred to chickens before. But cochen for pig? Those crazy French
You are currently number 16 in the queue
It sounded like 60, i pray its not. Well not pray, i'm athiest, but yeah
Wimbledons being as slow as this wait to be talked to, both on 3 games and have been deucing (thats a thing in my world) for about 10 minutes
You are currently number 15 in the queue
FUUUUU ok...more french animals it is
un cheval - a horse
un ane - a donkey
un coq - a rooster
won't lie, i lolled at the french woman saying it, twice
You are currently number 12 in the queue
gettin tense! il go check the rabbits are ok. they fine, their usual rabitty selves
You are currently number 7 in the queue
WOOOOAAAH we've jumped forward a bit
Just watched 3 more minutes of wimbledon, somebodies won a set which to my understanding means 'a few games'
You are currently number 7 in the queue
I mean really
You are currently number 5 in the queue
Apparently number 6 gave up
French animals til i'm spoken to?
un cerf - a deer
un chevre - a goat
un chien - a dog
Why have they put goat before dog? surely dogs are more common?
You are currently number 4 in the queue
You are currently number 3 in the queue
Right il stop typing now, i'm prepared!!!!
i've been 3 for 5 minutes now though...
2!!!! 2!!!!
Done
So turns out my log in details are exactly the same as my facebook log in. Which begs the question why didn't I try that in the first place
Almost an hour well spent there. Atleast I know that the french word for goat sounds like a sports car and I also enjoyed a delicious pizza- swings and roundabouts, whatever that means.

Chris Martin's Guide To Clapping

Things annoy me. Things that no one else really finds annoying. Once I explain this thrilling topic to you maybe you might understand my frustration

Chris Martin's Guide To When It Is Acceptable To Clap

Acceptable- In a small burst to show appreciate for a performance

This type of clapping is the standard, post-song applause at a musical or gig. Not much else to say

Acceptable - Clapping when prompted by a musician to clap along

If a lead singer starts clapping in front of a an audience he or she is telling you to clap along in time- its all part of the performance- they want you to clap. This seems almost retarded but then you get the following type of clappers

Unacceptable - Constantly clapping in time to a music performance, even if it’s out of rhythm

While in Disney these types of people appeared twice. Once in time to a parade- even though every other guest in Disneyland and all the Disney characters were not clapping. He must've thought the Disney parade theme lacked percussion so added his own. He was as popular in that crowd as a BNP member in a Mosque. A streaker at a kid’s birthday party. A lion at a gazelle picnic. I could continue.

Everyone was kind of willing one of the seven dwarfs to storm up to his face and shout 'NO!..NO!'

A dishonourable mention to the giant woman on It's a Small World who clapped along for the 15 minute duration of the ride. If you thought the Its a Small World Song was unbearable enough as it is, try listening with an unstoppable clapping whale weighing down the boat behind you. If I'd been on her boat she'd have been pushed off by Germany.

Acceptable- Clapping through the credits of a really good film

I understand this really annoys people but I don't see why. Sure the people who made the film aren't there to hear it but you're showing appreciation. That’s what clapping is, a sign of  appreciation. In the same way people should hold back on smiling at all as the filmmakers and actors aren't there to see it.

Yes. It's exactly the same.

What confuses me is that every re-release I've seen has got a clap at the end but almost every other great film I've seen at the cinema hasn't. Titanic, a clap, Rocky Horror Picture Show, a clap, Rise of Planet of the Apes? Silence and everyone shifting out the cinema moodily.

If a film is awesome you show you thought it was awesome by clapping.

Unacceptable- Clapping faster and faster before a band comes on stage

I suppose it builds suspense but it is totally pointless. The band will not come out any faster. Also at every gig I've ever been to the clapping starts, gets far to fast too quickly and everyone feels a bit confused at the end when everyone is out of clapping.

Acceptable- Clapping when prompted in the cha cha slide

Everybody clap your hands *clap clap clap clap clap* If you don't clap you will ruin the song FOR EVERYONE.

I think that's more or less it. Clap at reasonable times people. Otherwise you'll get a stern look from me. And nobody wants that.

Florida's Top 5 Worst Attractions (I went on)

If you've spoken to me you'll know how much I enjoyed Florida. Orlando is, in my opinion, the king of theme parks. The majority of all the rides in every park are mind blowing.
But you really don't care about that, infact I'm glad your even still reading.
For all the amazingness there is the occasional ride or show that makes you think 'wow, why the hell is this here?'
I counted and we must have covered over 100 rides and shows while we were away. So now I bring you

Florida's Top 5 Worst Attractions! (That I went on) (But I did go on basically everything)

5. One Man's Dream (Disney's Hollywood Studios)
We went on this to fill time before Fantasmic. I expected a museum of Disney stuff, which I got and was all very nice. Uneventful next to every single other thing in Hollywood Studios but still, interesting enough.
Then came the unskippable movie.
Instead of the exit theres a movie theatre, one you might even see a pre-show in. It was like the attraction was in reverse.
 I was quite optimistic to be honest. In Paris we saw this really touching montage of a lot of Disney films to music in a similar attraction.
What we got was information about Walt Disney that had nothing to do with Mickey, films or Disneyland in general. It came in dribs and drabs but for a 20 minute film (I think) we got an awful lot of info about the type of farm Walt lived on and what the war was like and not a lot about the most amazing place on earth.
Not the worst thing in the world but hugely out of place amongst all the action. After constant explosions it feels a bit like school.

4.Timbuktu  (Busch Gardens)
As you approach Timbuktu in Busch Gardens it looks pretty cool. Awesomely themed and games at the entrance in a bizarre.
The rides though. Number one was a swinging ship that went all the way upside down and for some mad reason we thought it would be fun to ride. The first flaw is when the restraint comes down so hard on your chest you can very barely breathe. The next is the unstoppable rush of blood to the head as it stays upside down for prolonged periods of time
"how can we make this ride fun boss"
"put it upside down but like leave it there"
"won't that kinda hurt the riders? With the lack of breath and blood rush and..."
"just hide it away next to loads of other average rides, it'll be fine"
A row of fat woman willing to sit on you while you hang your head of the end of a bed would give you the same thrill that ride gave us and would save Busch Gardens a lot of money.
They also have a wild mouse that does not spin and has no theming whatsoever. It begs the question why bother putting it there at all

3.The People Mover (Magic Kingdom)
A mini monorail type ride that leads you round in a circle and details things you can clearly see for yourself.
It does take you inside space mountain though. The thing they forgot though is that space mountain is more or less in complete darkness- so what you get is 2 minutes of being totally in the dark before you come out the other end.
I want to speak more about it but that is all it is. I'm trying to imagine it being futuristic when the park opened but even then, things like The Haunted Mansion existed then- the same thing but with ghosts and actual things.
At least its the only thing in Disney that feels a bit dated nowadays...

2.More or less all of Epcot
I lied. Future World in Epcot is just a mess of concrete and quite startling compared to everything else at the other parks.
World Showcase is pretty cool. It isn't a theme park but its relaxing and feels pretty authentic.
Concrete future world though! Spaceship Earth- millions of dollars worth of anamatronics posed to read books and stare at TV screens. What does Spaceship Earth even mean, Earth is not a spaceship, its Earth.
Ellen Degeneress's Lesbian Dinosaur Adventure (Universe of Energy) sounds hilarious until the ride attendant repeatedly tells you the ride is 45 minutes of  stationary screens. Even the huge shows at Disney don't last 45 minutes, and this is a slow ride past Ellen Degeneress playing Jeopardy.
Captain EO. Why is it there. Most 3D theatres now take you totally by surprise with their effects. You don't know how the floors moving or where the waters coming from. Captain EO places a hose in front of your face and huge springs under your seat. I know it's old but if it feels dated and that surely means it should be replaced by something better. A large public toilet for example. Or a sequel to the Ellen Degeneress ride.
There is a ride in Epcot so awful however it deserves the number 1 spot all to itself

1.Living With The Land AKA THE SEED RIDE
Me and Matthew board a boat into a dark looking rainforest, ominous plants looming over us everywhere. The suspense to find out what is coming up is quite high. Nothing happens. We enter a dessert, looking for anamatronic camels or such. Nothing. We start to wonder if this ride is broken. We enter more rooms with not an awful lot going on while a man talks at length about farming. At least we see lights in the distance, its only a 5 minute ride.
The light is coming from a greenhouse. A massive greenhouse our boat will slowly sail round for another 10-15 minutes.
Surely there should be a warning on how boring the seed ride is. Putting it on a boat just emphasises the fact you can't get off.
I heard you can also go on a tour of the greenhouses after the ride. People must do this seeings as it exists and this startles me. Sure some people think gardening is fun but they are in DISNEY WORLD! There are so many one of a kind things there, why look at plants.
It's Disney's version of a garden centre- without an awesome little pet store or cafe with toasties and scones.


The bad rides as much as they were boring did create stories. I just can't help but feel Epcot would be much better for something else. If i ever work for Disney I'll put something much cooler, most likly dinosaur related, in its place.

Driver Idiots

11 hours til my politics exam. Time for a blog about driving I think.
My post about cinema idiots was labelled a bit condescending. People can laugh in films if they want is the general view, even at bits at aren't funny. I'd disagree after watching Dark Shadows with a woman who almost wet herself when Johnny Depp violently killed 9 construction workers but what's funny to some people may not be funny to others.
Driving idiots is something we can all agree on though I feel. Surrounding yourself with a car makes you invincible apparently, allowing you to start fights with literally anyone you want with no fear of them opening your 2 inches of door and slapping you round the chops.
I understand not everyone has chops (jowels being another word for them) but two men I've come across who have been driver idiots had jowels in abundance. The type of face that if you slapped it, it wouldn't stop wobbling til the next day. Like a jelly in an earthquake.

Force Pushers
There's a junction near my house that takes a while to cross. Twice I have looked in my rear view mirror to see said joweled wankers raising their hands, trying to push my car with the force from Star Wars into the line of oncoming traffic.
Why do they do this I've wondered? To show me that they're impatient? That I should be turning into the side of the unavoidable truck passing both of our cars? Or are they actually hoping that the great God of Star Wars will bless them with the force for this particular situation.
After about 20 seconds they'll then throw they're hands down while swearing at themselves in their car. I like to imagine they do this every time they stop the car. At lights for example I can imagine them calling the green man a fucking c*nt and forcing the lights with their mind to change. They'll then arrive at their destination 20 seconds earlier, but will take 20 further seconds to exit their cars due to being so fat and pompous.

I'm not slagging fat people here. I'm slagging fat people who drive like assholes.

Indicator Forgettors
Forgettors being a word here. How does a person forget to indicate? You get taught it in your first driving lesson and do it in every other lesson as well. Again its a time where the car gives people special powers, in this case telepathy. They assume that because of the way they are driving and way they look you know they're about to slow down suddenly and take the next right. Known indicator forgettors should be forced to be hooked up to a mic system that shares their thoughts with other road users so if the car in front of you is blaring 'I AM HUNGRY' you should be wary that the car is likely to turn into the next mcdonalds or kfc .
The machine would also share the drivers most embarrassing thoughts to everyone too as punishment for being such a driver wanker.

Tailgaters
I don't understand why it's called tail gating. What is gating? Its not a thing. And cars do not have tails.

People Who Drive Very Closely Behind You
Muuuuuch better. People like to drive really close behind you when they feel you are driving to slow. Driving really close behind you is their answer to speeding you up, even though if you do they'll just speed up as well to show you how impressive they are.
To stop them I'd like to write in tiny writing on the back of my car 'I'm prone to stopping abruptly, especially when people scare me by driving really close'.

Pointless Overtakers
The ones that pass you like Toad from Mario Kart after you've been hit with a red shell, often because you've slowed down slightly to turn. They must think in their heads 'NOWS MY CHANCE! PASSS HIIIIM!' and swerve their cars round to again arrive at their destinations a good 3-4 seconds ahead of schedule.

Another notable mention is everyone in multi-storey car parks. 'They're not real roads though so its fine' says  the guy as he speeds up to 40 mph in Union Square, drifting round various shopping trolleys and children going to the cinema. 'Just drive how you like!'

These people are hilarious. Hilarious but sad.
You can give them the middle finger but I find a thumbs up and a smile is more effective.

New Highscore!

The videogame stereotype.
I just watched an episode of Desperate Housewives (yeah I'm a fan, wanna fight about it?) and was a bit irritated when I saw MJ, the little boy in Desperate Housewives playing a videogame. What was displayed was the entire screen filled with a cross hair and sound effects blaring out the screen that I'm pretty sure were from space invaders.
I dislike how videogames are portrayed on TV and films nowadays. I even hate the word videogame, what is a video-game. When i think of video I think VHS and someone mindlessly trying to ram a playstation controller into a VCR because they want to 'play' their Lion King tape.
Computer game is even worse. Games played on computer- fine. But a playstation game isn't a computer game- as there is no computer involved in playing it. Plus it makes it sound devastatingly nerdy. For example-
I like to hang out with friends and play games
I like to hang out with friends and play computer games
Which of those statements sounds nerdier? Which of those statements came from Gordie from Sabrina The Teenage Witch and which sounds like you or a friend's facebook profile? Exactly
I can't think of a better name however. Games I think works. Some things are more game like than others- calling Skyrim or Zelda 'just a game' for example is like calling World War 2 'just a disagreement'.
Other stereotypes shown on TV shows where videogames are present.
Throwing your controller round your head while playing as if actually avoiding obstacles and such.
No one has ever done this. I remember my friend tilting the controller slightly while playing Super Mario Kart when we were like 8 but otherwise it doesn't happen. When you go to see a film do you dive about avoiding whats going on on the screen? If you did people would think you were mental- because you probably are.
Videogames turn players into zombies that don't react at all when being talked to.
Unless you're my friend Martin this doesn't happen that often either. I'll only ignore my Dad when playing games because he will come in at precisely the moment when the important cut scene detailing what to do next plays. Again like watching a film- you don't want to miss the dialogue otherwise you won't have a clue whats going on.
Playing games requires the player to mash all the controllers buttons as fast as you can while wearing a look of intense concentration on your face.
Most games only really use 2 buttons at most frequently with a control stick. Mario - A, B and the D pad. Skyrim- control pad and the left and right triggers. The only exception would be beat em' ups which are only played properly when pressing all the buttons with your palm at once while swivelling round the control pad.
Highscores are hardly in games anymore also- or they are just usually ignored. Mario Bros has a scoring system for example but its totally ignored.
Its odd that games are portrayed like they were in the 1980s even though barely anyone owned a games system back then.
The next time it shows MJ playing a videogame in Desperate Housewives hopefully it'll be him sitting there relaxed, playing Red Dead Redemption with a badass look on his face.

Carpet Python and The Meerkat Emporium

I'm not sure what I expected from the Scottish Fishery Museum. I'm just back from 2 days in Fife and me and my girlfriend needed something to do so we went there. Even with 2 children's activities sheets and a cabinet with something labelled 'Sextant' it was a pretty boring museum as far as museums go. They tried hard but at the end of the day the subject matter is fishery. Its always going to struggle.
We still had the rest of the day left as the museum only took up 20 minutes of our time (as well as £10 from my wallet) so we headed to St.Andrews Aquarium and Meerkat Emporium. Not its official name but its an aquarium with meerkats so it fits.
I'll point out blogger is telling me I'm spelling meerkat wrong. I have tried googling it and it appears to be right. Maybe meerkats are too modern to be recognised by spellcheckers like when you type in iphone or pokemon. We know they pre-date the Lion King at least so they can't be that new.
But I digress.
We headed through Fife, Aile my girlfriend flicking through the pamphlet (pamphlet? really? pamflet shirly?) half excitedly. It was just after Crail Aile announced we had to turn the car around as new for 2012 the St Andrews aquarium and meerkat emporium had a carpet python.
Aile has Slitherphobia which means she has a fear of snakes. I assured her without knowing at all the carpet python would be an optional exhibit. How scary could a carpet python be anyway, it sounds vaguely rude to me.
Let me show you my python. Let me show you my carpet python. Which of those 2 sounds ruder to you?
We arrived just in time for the seal feeding. I felt sorry for all the fish we rushed past to catch it. I imagine all the fish in the tanks hearing people at the ticket office and arranging themselves into different positions around their tanks ready for visitors, big smiles on their faces. I almost felt the catfish's grin disappear from its face as we passed.
Seals are great. Like fat people but cuter and underwater. The man came out with a bucket of fish and they got all excited and swam around waiting for the jolly oirish guy to stop talking to us about 'what a seal is' and to feed them fish. What caused me and Aile a lot of amusement was the seagulls that swooped down into the enclosure next to where the fish were being given out as if almost disguising themselves as seals in the hope of getting fed too. We saw a seagull land right in front of the guy and look up with an expression of 'yeah I'm a seal, what of it?'
Upstairs to the meerkat talk next. Oirish came in fresh from the seals and talked about them while they savagely yanked the tub of tomatoes and grubs out his hands. Meerkats are adorable and no matter how much the man talked about them pissing on each other for identification or watching them attack one another with their bitey little faces, I still wanted to give one a cuddle.
We saw the neglected fish then came the time for Aile to face her fear. There he was- the carpet python...lying motionless in his tree. A big well done to her for looking at it, it was definitely a snake behaving snake like so it took guts to do.
We just had time to see a French family yank a star fish out of a rock pool and  we stroked a couple of turtles before exiting through the penguinless gift shop. I know the aquarium didn't have penguins but they're water related and its always an easy gift for Aile.
St Andrews aquarium and meerkat emporium is actually pretty good. If you're ever in Fife and aren't that excited about the many types of clothes fishermen used to wear it's a great way to spend an hour.
I prefer seeing fish swimming in tanks for my amusement rather than finding out how they're caught.

Sausage and Gravy Fridays

I noticed #primaryschoolmemories was trending on twitter the other day so I thought I'd join in. I thought back to primary school and one thing really stuck out as being memorable and a highlight of my young life.
The friendships I maintained and relationships I
But not really- it was school dinners.
It may just be nostalgia but when I remember the food at Danestone Primary I remember it as the tastiest thing in the world.
Some notable highlights
The chicken pie ladled out of huge industrial trays. By pie it was really a layer of just cooked puff pastry over chicken and sweetcorn in 'white sauce'- chemicals and flavourings essentially. Sounds pretty bleh when I write it but it was delicious! Deeeelicious!
Norfolk grills. Have you ever heard of a Norfolk grill? I'm pretty sure it was a name the school made up. The closest thing I could compare it to would be a burger you get from a van at a festival but with less substance and worse for you. As a person who happily ate nothing but festival burgers at T in the Park last year Norfolk Grill Wednesdays were a treat. You also felt like the hardest child alive when you asked the dinner lady for a NorFUCK grill. I remember primary sevens literally screaming it at the poor lunch ladies faces. 
Sausage and gravy Fridays are also worth a mention. They felt it necessary to fill the trays to the brim with gravy before adding sausage. Within the first minute of sitting down everything would be brown and lunch trays would slide uncontrollably down the table with a mind of their own. Another hilarious thing you could do was to stick the trays together- the gravy acting as glue to form blocks of trays  up to 3 ft high. Further memories of said 3ft stack sliding down to the end of our table and crashing off the end to the amusment of everyone. I'm laughing at it now, can only imagine what it was like when I was 10.
Most people who had school dinners only had school dinners because their Mums' didn't pack them lunch. For some reason if you had a packed lunch you got to leave early for playtime and if you had a school dinner you had to wait. So not only did you get reminded you had neglectful parents, you missed out half your playtime too.
I however chose to stay for school dinners. Could talk about 5 other things I liked- I seemed to like the  stodgy mass produced food and its its the same now. At a BBQ I'll always prefer a Birdseye burger to a 'proper' one.
There were always 2 days that everyone else had school dinners as well. Pizza day and hot dog day. These days were popular because for some reason pizza and hotdogs were incredibly cool. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles eat it, so did Hey Arnold. And hot dogs were American like Kenan and Kel. Always a slight disappointment when you got the microwaved pizza rectangles rather than the gooey slices of pizza in the cartoons.
I'm pretty sure it won't be the same now. It'll be healthy and vegetable curry and falafel. What even is a falafel. And why does it sound so hilarious. Falafel.
It annoys me when I see food adverts aimed at kids now. 'Why not swap your fries for carrot sticks?' asks the giant black woman who does the voiceovers on the Mcdonalds adverts. Its because they're fecking carrot sticks and not delicious chips! Food surely can't be THAT harmful for kids. When i was 12 a favourite thing to do was have a Mcchicken sandwich within a Mcchickcen sandwich. I had a Mcdonalds every Friday and was fed Norfuck grills and hotdogs through the day at school. And I'm not obese now. Festivly plump but not obese.
I havn't even mentioned the puddings. Jam tart, tiffin, sticky-rasin bake things and the king of puddings - jelly cubes. If anyone knows how to prepare those jelly cubes with the normal jelly on bottom and 'mystery' jelly on top please prepare one for me. You will be my favourite person forever.

She's a Peach She's A Doll She's A Pal Of Mine

She's as cute as a button
In the eyes of everyone who ever laid their eyes on Cooooorrraaaalliiiiiine.
One of my favourite bits of a film ever.
I love Coraline. It's the first 3D film I ever saw and I'm pretty sure the first ever released. I remember going to see it with two friends, both guys, in a cinema full of young girls and goth types. I also remember the moment I realised the film was completely awesome.
The mouse circus. Surreal and very odd but hugely enjoyable. Coraline is totally unpredictable; when asking yourself 'I wonder what's in the roof of the house?' the first prediction won't most likely be a huge mouse circus led by a Russian gymnast.
You're similarly not going to predict the two old women downstairs are going to strip off and sing opera. The film does whatever the feck it wants but it's a pretty good image of what goes on in a child's mind.
Up to this point the films good but essentially just an odd kids film. Its when it gets dark Coraline becomes totally badass.
The characters have buttons sewn onto their eyes. Its horror movie material in a colourful kids movie package. Even better is the moment you see Other Wybie in the background not smiling and you know something isn't quite right- shits about to go down. It's a creepy little universe they've created and just like how the first half of the film is similar to a child's imagination, the second is similar to a child's nightmare.
I remember watching the demented mouse circus bit just thinking 'what the shit?' And Susan from Desperate Housewives is great in it. The bit at the end in the big web is probably the best scene in 3D I've ever seen.
I've remembered my avid like for this film as they play clips for it along with other kid movies for a channel 4 'family movie Sunday' thing. Coraline stands out hugely though as whereas say Alvin in the Chipmunks 2 is made by adults aiming to make something with as much toilet humour as possible so kids will like it, Coraline actually gets in the mind of a child and remembers the odd fears and weird things we made up when we were younger.
I personally remember a lion coming through my window when I was younger- to me that actually happened. Similarly a monster lived in the hoover cupboard and the washing machine was a vortex that led to my cousins house in England. Yes I was a strange child. But I'd probably be good at writing Coraline 2.
Luckily I think something similar to Coraline 2 is in the works. Paranorman is looking similar, is made by the same people and is coming out this year. Stoked, look up the trailer.
Just to end- I used to be able to sing the entire Other Father Song quite fast. And as soon as I finish writing this I'll most likely get practising again. Hooray for 2am on Saturday night.

...

When she comes around exploring
Mom and I will never, ever make it boring
Our eyes will be on Coraline

Bebo - The Golden Age of Social Networking

The only reason I have facebook is because everyone else has it. If everyone still used bebo I'd still be commenting you my luv.
Bebo was my life through Oldmachar Academy. It was frothing with hidden bitchiness and obvious flirting. Maybe that was just third years being third years but it was made so much more obvious on Bebo.
Top 16. Hated by some- loved by me. It was savage. 'Oh I see you've gone to see Spiderman 3 without me. Down to number 13 you go my friend!'
Having girls in your top 16 as well. That was basically a list of how much you fancy them. I saw guys putting random girls from their class above some of their very best friends. Yeah that's quite normal. And not creepy in the slightest.
You had to keep up with where you stood in your friends' top 16s also. If you were number 5 on friend A's top 16 and you had them at number 4, they sure as hell were taking a considerable slide down the friendship scale. This would continue, until you both were wiped from each others top 16s completely, thus ending your friendship entirely.
Some things I loathed and despised on Bebo. 'Put this on your page if you knew someone who died from cancer HEART'. Why. Why put this on your page. In the words of condescending Wonka 'Oh you must really care about people who have lost people to cancer'. No need to be on your Bebo! NO!
'RIP Grandad. Love you always xxxx xxxx xx x'
I'm sorry anonymous Beboer, I don't think your Grandad will see this due to him being dead and not having Bebo in the first place.
Oosh that almost got quite angry! Lets move onto something much more fun. 'How much do you know me?' quizes.
There was always one stock question that caused a lot of awkward. 'What will you find me doing at a party?' There was a fat girl with this question where 95% of the people answering answered 'Munching on appetizers'. Poor whale.
You'd then get responses from people you barely knew who had scored 100% on the test. Twas creepy shit! You're best friends would then proceed to get 20 or 30 and you'd feel a little sad. I remember filling in these quizzes of girls I liked, receiving little scores and feeling genuinely distraught. That was us incompatible forever.
Then there was the outright 'how compatible are we?' quizzes that when done by guys would get 10 responses from 10 of their guy friends with comments in the area of 'you big puff!'. And that fat girl mentioned previously would probably fill it in and score highly, leading people to believe they were now an item.
Thooooseeee weeeerrree theeeee daaaaaaays.
I've not even mentioned flashboxes where I had a man having sex with a llama on my page for about 4 months. That sounds way more sick than it actually was, it was actually Stevo from Jackass in a llama suit...getting humped from behind by a real llama. I must've only been 14 as well, wow.
It was sad when it started to die and turn into a shit facebook. The times I had with Bebo were fun though and caused a lot of teenage angst and drama.

Life Without The Internet

For the last week I have not had wifi at my house.
'Oh poor you! Read a book' says Grandma. 'I manage without internet so why can't you?'
Its a good question. How the hell can she cope without internet. I realised I've become quite addicted to it over the last 4-5 years.
 I use it for literally everything. Facebook and that are obvious but say I decided to cook. I'd most likely look up how to online. Say I was going out to see a film. I'd look it up on imdb first. If it started to rain ferrets outside. I'd look online to see why it was happening. And to tweet 'IT'S RAINING FERRETS! #omgferrets' obviously.
Anyhoo! The last week I ventured out my room a bit. I live a bit like one of the fat people in Wall E. I know the message of Wall E is that that's an awful existence but to me its quite appealing. I just cruise round my room on my comfy chair, laptop in front of me. Socialising, buying stuff, catching up with news. It can all be done on the laptop. If Wall E came into my room and reminded me that there's a swimming pool just down the road I'd most likely send him on his way.
I say venture out my room, I mean to other areas of my house. I turned on the TV to see if anything was on and was reminded the rest of the house has sky. I looked to see if Pawn Stars or Storage Wars was on as my Dad showed me a few episodes a while ago and they were quite good.
I now know the profiles and back stories of every bidder on Storage Wars. Similarly I probably have the knowledge to work in that Las Vegas pawn shop.
Storage Wars deserves a post to itself so I'll leave that for now.
I did manage to use other peoples wifi on my iphone and their laptops when I was out. They'd offer me the code and I'd leap on the laptop excitedly eager to catch up with what I'd been missing.
It was when I got on though I realised I hadn't really missed much. 2 new youtube videos and a few new memes.
The internet needs to be a constant thing I feel. It's not like a videogame that can be dipped in and out every so often for hours of fun at a time. It just makes life a hell of a lot easier.
It's not a case of reading a book or going online. It's researching the book, reading it, then discussing it with others after. It enhances the experience.
I don't read books often but I presume this happens.
It also fills time in a much more constructive way. Right then I went to the bathroom and watched a movie trailer. What a beautiful age we live in. If we hadn't had wifi I wouldn't have known Seth Mcfarline (lin? len?) is making a film about a teddy bear that is Peter Griffin.
All in all it wasn't all bad not having wifi. I spoke to my family more, learnt who Chumly from Pawn Stars was (a king amongst people) and spent more time out the house.
If it happens again I will be an angry beaver. But at least I'll know its not quite the end of the world due to the delightful programming provided by History channel and the channels similar.